TheForeverDancefloor

2011-02-11T18:27:00.002+07:00

Mata hati, tolong tunjukkan arah.
Ambil juga rasa yang meremukkan dada.

Lelah.

dua

2011-02-05T18:48:00.002+07:00

Lihat: hamparan bintang yang melebur langit adalah patahan keping pecahnya hati, lebaran samudra yang membalut bumi adalah jejatuhan tetes hancurnya harapan, di antara pagi dan malam, di tengah senyummu yang meremuk redam, dan di tanyaku pada Tuhan, bolehkah kau sisipkan beribu jam ke dalam memori yang berpendaran?

dam

2011-02-01T21:44:00.002+07:00

Dam itu hancur, melepas, menghela luapan air yang melebat, menggenang hebat, beriak sampai pada hari ke dua puluh empat.

Gemuruh pun berangsur lenyap, melepas bendungan harap ke dalam gelombang getar yang berangsur tamat termakan pusara dan ombak.

Ketika itu pun hari menjadi senyap, burung-burung terbang menghadap matahari yang kemarin bersembunyi dalam gelap, menutup sinarnya seupaya menolak harap.

Tetapi hari baru ini punya sejuta derap.
Untuk besok, atau lusa, atau entah kapan masanya menetap.

matahari

2011-01-20T18:42:00.002+07:00

Berlari. Berlari dari dentuman yang mengejar kaki.

Menari. Menari dalam aksara yang merangkai jadi emosi. Di antara memori.

Jatuh. Jatuh tak terhindari.

Matahari.

4 minutes

2010-05-08T09:51:00.002+07:00

So, hi.

I'm here, one month away from what will be my last presentation in this school. From there, there will be one month of holiday back in hometown, and soon after that, me packing, flying down under, to Melbourne.

It's been a long journey, these 3 years. Filled with ups and downs, some are written here, some left scars I kept for myself. However, I just realized what I learned from it. I don't tolerate imperfections, but I tolerate scars.

It's a pretty sick quote and attitude, even for myself, but I kinda grow into it. It's not pleasing when you twist and turn your glasses' nosepad position until it breaks because it doesn't suit you much, and finally finding comfort in repairing it and knowing it won't be perfect, but at least it tried to.

I guess, from these scars I learn that imperfection is not an excuse. Everyone is, in fact, imperfect. But the effort of trying to be one, and the scars I got from going thru the process, make the imperfection perfect. Scars mean pain, and pain implies weakness. Scars make you stronger, and scars are not at all parts of imperfections.

And in the end, here, there is one door in front of me. One last door. I can't seem to open it yet because it will possibly hurt me in a way I don't dare imagine. After all the barriers that I managed to push through, this one is the hardest. Because I don't know what might happen, and this uncertainty puts off my courage.

So, I haven't decided anything yet. I'll have to make peace with myself to open this door, because I finally have to tolerate my own imperfection.

And tell that to the world.

you

2010-01-01T09:40:00.001+07:00

I don't want to feel this.

mainstream

2009-12-29T11:10:00.000+07:00

I often heard this so-called opinion lately (which often occurs in facebook), that when someone says 'i don't want to be mainstream, i am anti-mainstream', then someone else would comment 'you know, anti-mainstream has become the new mainstream', and the first guy would then reply 'oh yeah you're right' and nod in agreement, and everybody seems pleased.

I've heard it one too many times that I've been wondering myself and I came to a conclusion that it is wrong. Why is it wrong? It is simply because there could only be one state of being mainstream--at a time. And when the mainstream becomes minor, the anti-mainstream becomes the new mainstream and the other way around. It is so fluid and balanced and the term is already logical and well-defined.

So, when you say you're anti-mainstream, you are anti mainstream no matter what, rejecting whatever comes as mainstream at that point of time, with no connection to past or future condition. So unless the shift of what is mainstream at any point of time to the other point of time is way too rapid to follow, there should be no problem of defining what is mainstream and what is anti-mainstream.

old

2009-12-16T23:29:00.003+07:00

your smell lingers all across the room..
around the old town, old lame jokes, old loved sounds..
and the old fine hours that once were ours.

blasphemy

2009-11-07T09:06:00.002+07:00

Over the last few weeks, I've been pushing myself harder than ever. I don't know whether it's finally enough to please my tutor, or even myself, but all I know I've been trying and pushing in every directions I can think of. But somehow, in the end, what matters is something else to me: there won't be the slightest of regret about this.

Have a nice day, everyone. :)

on that note

2009-10-24T09:42:00.002+07:00

I miss Jakarta.

I miss how I could just roam around town and feel comfortable, even if I'm alone. I miss how I know I always come home to my family, at the end of the day.

I miss being alone without having to feel lonely.

don't you ever let me go

2009-10-15T23:26:00.002+07:00

Didn't they always say we were the lucky ones..
I guess that we were once, babe, we were once,
but luck will leave you cursed, it is a faithless friend,
and in the end, when life has got you down,
you've got someone here that you can wrap your arms around..

There's a thousand ways for things to fall apart,
but it's no ones fault, no it's not my fault..
Maybe all the plans we made might not work out,
but I have no doubt, even though it's hard to see..
I've got faith in us, and I believe in you and me..

There's so many dreams that we have given up.
Take a look at all we've got,
and with this kind of love,
and what we've got here is enough.

So hold on to me tight..
Hold on, I promise it will be alright..
Cuz we are stronger here together,
than we could ever be alone..

Just hold on to me,
don't you ever let me go.

Michael Buble - Hold On

We are stronger here together..
Just hold on to me,
don't you ever let me go..

minor melody

2009-09-05T21:27:00.005+07:00

Sometimes I appreciate the silence when things are silent. But could your mind be in a total silent, with no words said, no alphabets remembered, no pictures reminisced? I am noiseless and full of sound, in my head, usually on friday or saturday nights, when the town greets me with the neon love and lustful lights. I'd choose to be home, to talk to the wall, as i heard walls have ears, and I have fears.

The wall, the canvas bag from the travel fair, the lost deodorant bottle, the heartfucking song from the 90s that I used to listen lovingly, the scattered pieces of my life; they'd all get together and dance and make a little party, you can see them in my balcony claiming their victory, and yeah they would rip me into pieces, shed me some light and remind me that i am only with myself and my crazy head. That'd be when I'd call it a night.

Then I'd dream of dreaming about me walking in that old plaza, thrown back by the scent and the memories pasted on every door I see, they are giant-they are hating me, I'd choose to take a bus home instead, fancying the town naked and the rows, the lanes, the streetlights kissing me goodnight. Lovelight, where should I be? In this town or in your memory, in the morning or by the sea, or in the sight of the old you I once wished free?

My heart is slit by your thin-noiseless minor melody.

right there

2009-08-10T23:20:00.000+07:00

I was waiting for you.

yeah fuck it

2009-07-09T22:01:00.001+07:00

Let's fuck the fact that I can't let go. I'll try to be less pathetic from now. And when the time comes, you won't hear my name anymore.

foolish things

2009-06-15T22:08:00.003+07:00

Things are good.

I work as an intern from 8.30-17.30 weekdays, in a very good, if not the best, architecture firm.

But as I'm listening to Buble's new tunes, I suddenly remember what makes my days: the trip from the firm to Sarinah, Thamrin afterwork, passing through my favorite street scene in Jakarta: the old shady trees, good earthy smell in the afternoon, and the line-up of good ol' colonial architecture buildings. A lovely ride. My favorite part of the day.

God surely knows that I'm thankful, terribly.

And how lovely it is to be able to share with family, all the good and the bad of life, all the beautiful and priceless moments, all, all at once.

And these foolish things remind me of you..

badai

2009-05-09T22:24:00.000+07:00

Badai tak pernah hanya menyapa satu pantai.

blue

2009-05-08T23:24:00.000+07:00

it's tonight

2009-05-08T09:05:00.002+07:00

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed..
Turn down these voices inside my head..
Lay down with me, tell me no lies..
Just hold me close, don't patronize--don't patronize me..

Cause I cant make you love me--if you don't..
You cant make your heart feel something it wont..
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours..
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power..
But you wont, no you wont..
Cause I cant make you love me--if you don't..

I'll close my eyes, then I wont see..
The love you don't feel, when you're holding me..
Morning will come and I'll do whats right..
Just give me till then to give up this fight..

And I will give up this fight..

Bonnie Raitt - I Can't Make You Love Me
Performed by George Michael, Allison Iraheta.

drunk

2009-05-04T23:43:00.002+07:00

What if.

What if one day I escape from all of these. All work, all responsibility, all mundane repetitive routine, all things that have endlessly trapped me and sucked the soul out of me until I'm all antisocial and prejudiced about the world.

What if one day I'm entitled to have the chance, one good chance to really look for things that I've been thinking of trying to look for all my life. Those things that we've kept in mind all years long, while we're running running and running endlessly catching things we don't even know or like.

What if one day we have the time in this world.

What if one day I actually can run away.

I'll be looking for you.

still

2009-05-03T10:33:00.003+07:00

I seriously think that the words 'complication' and 'overcomplication' is not complicated enough--at all. I don't like using words that don't embody my message.

over

2009-05-03T10:20:00.002+07:00

And now do you think i need to detach myself again? Cuz the last time I did not do it, which is last year, I ended up drowning in myself. Or is it a different case?

Let's blame it on the overcomplicatification going on in my head.
(Does that word exist? I can't use overcomplication tho--that word is too simple for this situation.)

Ah. See I'm overcomplicating (or complicatifying) right now.

rolling

2009-05-03T00:58:00.002+07:00

I know that the moment I choose to not detach myself from a relation, I will get attached. It's just that I didn't think it was gonna be this soon. Or this bad.

I win

2009-04-30T14:02:00.004+07:00

Finally. The official new logo of The Parish of St. Thomas More.
(The picture of the winning logo has been removed due to the copyright transfer earlier today.)

I can't say it enough. Thanks God, mom, dad, kutit, cipris, muw, kev, pras, novi, and everyone who supports me during the making. And now. I feel blessed. Very much.

Thanks. :')

I want

2009-04-29T21:08:00.003+07:00

What do I want?

I want to be able to write things down here without thinking of the over-complication regarding names and stories, proper and improper audience.

For a start,

I want to be asked what I want.

I want to talk without having to think of what to talk about.

I want to listen without having to respond.

Either that, or a brute presence of a person here.

I want a conversation.

I want a small talk over lunch.

I want to be there.

hari untuk amanda

2009-04-16T22:37:00.005+07:00

When I came across the trailer of this movie, it only took me a second to fall in love with it.

The contemporary Jakarta setting throughout the movie with its dim romantic street lights, busway, afternoon scenes, evening scenes, and Sudirman - Thamrin street is tied up with a love story about past and present love.

I recall some moments. In a car, passing the streets in the afteroon or early evening. In Busway. Singing along to the tunes. Less talking. More gazing and feeling what it was like. Suddenly I remember McD.

I was lost in enjoying the romance of Jakarta, cast by the overpowering structures, sweet-but-uneasy rides, heartbreaking goodbyes, and an overly bitter aftertaste of it all.

There's a bit of hatred to it.

I hate that I can't get over you,

jakarta.

Tak kan pernah bisa..
Bersama..

Good Friday

2009-04-10T13:18:00.001+07:00

Ever since I was a lil kid, we always go to Good Friday mass at noon, and always, my mom tells me this: it's gonna rain during the mass, as usual, definitely.

Years have passed, and this is the second Good Friday without me going to mass with my family, but the words stick right at my heart, as I recall now how I told Marco what my mom always says to me about the rain, and I said, let's see if it rains, this afternoon.

And right at this moment, as the rest of family is attending the Good Friday mass back in Jakarta and as I listen to Danny Gokey's rendition of Stand By Me, the rain is pouring out there. Just nice, just right. My mom is right. It's raining.

I want you to stand by me, God. Stand by me.

I feel blessed. I thank God.

2009-04-07T21:49:00.000+07:00

I'LL DO BETTER. I PROMISE.

turn your lights down low

2009-04-04T23:51:00.003+07:00

I was just being reminded of why I've been feeling a bit disoriented over the last couple of days: I just miss too many things.

I feel a bit out of place. I'm sick of instant messaging. I'm sick of having to realize that the people I love the most are not within the reachable distance.

And yes, I curse all the miles that separate me and the people I want to talk to. People I want to see.

The saddest part is when I realize that nevertheless I have to be thankful to God. I know I am. But I'm just sad.

:(

2009-02-24T22:46:00.002+07:00

I miss Jakarta. Terribly.

The smell of this cold wind with a slight earthy scent after a rain.

A smell of Jakarta.

A smell that I miss.

all in good time!

2009-02-17T18:42:00.003+07:00

You see, it's so hard to find the proper words to utter this.

3 weeks ago, when I was in Jakarta for a short holiday, I said to myself that I want to do my internship in Jakarta. Everything is gonna be much simpler. I can enjoy my holiday, meet my friends, and also the trip to Hongkong will not be bothered much.

I was then busy doing the portfolio for days, composing my resume, and putting it together in a very short period. I was to fly back on the next Sunday, and it could only, only work if everything was according to my plan. I printed everything on Thursday, which left me one single day only to send the package of resumes out to the firm's addresses.

On the day, I sent it out to Aboday Architects in Kemang, Airlangga Architeam in Tebet, and Airmas Asri in Cikini. Isn't it wonderful to know that every one of the firm uses the letter A in the names?

The list came not from nowhere. I did a lot of researches to find out the interesting architecture companies/firms in Jakarta, that stand out and have their projects featured in fancy magazines and web pages. I went to bookstores just to browse and read through the architectural magazines that have featured buildings from Indonesia.

Only after I sent out the resumes to them, I found out that although Airlangga and Airmas are responsible for a lot of big and new projects, Airmas Asri topped the chart as the best Indonesian architecture firm in 2008, I read it in one of the pages I can't recall now.

To cut the story short, I was then waiting for their replies. I haven't heard from them since, and when I let my friends see my resumes, they don't see how the companies are gonna accept me, as my resumes are designed by breaking the rules and all. I do know that, and I'm totally aware of that, so I said to them: I only want to work in a firm where they appreciate my resume.

And you know what.

I got the e-mail this morning. I got in. Airmas Asri.

I can't tell you how happy I am. I am terribly happy. One thing is confirmed: I don't need to worry about this anymore.

I'm gonna do my internship in PT Airmas Asri, Jakarta, for 8 weeks, starting late of May. That means I'm gonna work in Cikini. That means I'm gonna be close to Thamrin, everyday. The town. Jakarta. I will be working at the heart of it.

I thank God. A thousand times.

Mom. For praying for me everyday.

Dad. For giving me this wonderful talent.

Kutit. For being my eternal laughter.

Ci Pris. For making me grow up even more.

Muw. For always being there for me.

And everyone.

I'm very nervous now, I know I'm gonna survive this, but I need you all to help me along the way.

You know what's funny. The first ever rain since 3-4 weeks ago just poured this afternoon. I feel congratulated.

I'm happy.

weekend

2009-02-12T20:38:00.003+07:00

This week feels so fast.

It's weekend already. Putting aside the fact that I still have 1. studio work 2. student society work 3. photography club work 4. portfolio work (DAMN THIS IS LONG), I'm still going to have fun tomorrow. Gym sessions, movies, one good valentine's day dinner, meditation sessions, and did I say 'fun'?

Yeah. And precisely next week, it's the Cameron Highlands site surveying/visit trip. 3D2N. It's still studio work and yeah I'm gonna start working my ass off for that one, but hey, it's still a holiday. Close enough.

Have I said too many 'yeah's?

Oh yeah.

Have a nice weekend, you.

ha!

2009-02-10T16:48:00.002+07:00

The concept of minimalism is to relax. Like a Zen monk in training, it is something that brings equilibrium to the heart.
- Takashi Murakami

Great art is about heightening our experiences. To me, the minimalist aesthetic is the most humanist of all, one that elicits the full power of all our senses.
- Richard Meier

The comforting words come from 2 great architects/artists.
I'm going on with my design.

Lemme introduce to you..

2009-02-09T19:45:00.001+07:00

World, Jakarta. Jakarta, World.

Image courtesy of Wikipedia.

this is the answer, let's make it big

2009-02-08T20:06:00.002+07:00

And no, I'm not facing some 'pergumulan jiwa' that I get lost in whatever I'm in and that I need help. I'm very fine (except economically), very happy, and not lonely at all.

shame on you!

2009-02-08T19:57:00.000+07:00

Let's talk about shame.

I just realised something. When you're a very small kid, when you take your bath or after taking a bath, your mom often tells you to wrap yourself in a towel, or to close the door. You feel nothing, but your mom's panicking and starts saying: 'Shameful, you! It's a shame to be naked like that. Shameful!'

The word 'shame' repeats in a daily basis, until you agree and say 'yeah, it's a shame to do this: i'll cover myself with a towel.'

So, you see, this culture has always been and is being inherited, being passed down to their kids, us, and later, our kids. This 'shame' culture is not only applicable in 'bathing' and 'naked' context, but everything that makes your or my or our people go 'shame on you', over a non-standard act that we do.

To me, this is frustrating.

I don't think this is what we should be proud of. Being set by a standard that is passed down generation by generation, I don't agree when we must be told (or sub-consciously taught) to FEEL in a particular way. To FEEL something we are SUPPOSED to feel, when we actually DON'T feel it.

Ah, you're a puppet on a string, aren't you?

Even more sadly, in the end, we actually feel like feeling it, giving in to whatever standards that are being thrown at us. Feel like that, do like that, move like that, love like that, walk like that, run like that, LIVE LIKE THAT.

Given that we are naturally-unique creative-born individuals that learn to live and survive by experiences, I must say this culture is totally idiotic.

Counting that I've lived most of my lifetime with the standards of everything people are told and have been telling me, I could only say my unique and creative self has been partly paralyzed.

And that's so sad, because when I realize this, I know that there are people out there that can't get what I'm saying and they will live the rest of their lives dictated by standards people make for them, without even realizing it. So sad.

At least, I share this to you, so you have something to think about.

Have a nice eve!

why

2009-02-06T23:04:00.002+07:00

You know why I did decide to go out today?

It's like the reason of why people go clubbing. In a totally different, wayyy less pricey, wayyy more positive, and wayyyy more healthy way. When people go clubbing in order to have fun with the loud music, cigarettes, and alcohol (which in the outside to me personally it does nothing to them except the so-called 'fun' part, and that's pretty much all), I go out to have fresh air.

I need that, I need to see new things, I need to be in a creative environment, I need to see beautiful things, I need to be all alone, I need to be comfortable, I need to really like what I see. For what purposes? Creative purposes. It helps me think, digest, and re-discover what I often miss when I'm being faced to a routine.

The good thing of it is that it works for me, all the time.
And that's one of the very few things that keeps me sane.

Let's re-question me.

So why, again, did I decide to go out today?

I tried to find something that went missing during the design process of Studio work this week. Which is very important, cuz we really need to confirm with everything or not at all. Either I get what I'm looking for, or I rethink the whole design all over again.

And you know what?

I've found it.

shyt

2009-02-06T22:07:00.002+07:00

I don't get it.

I canceled watching movie and going to starbucks today (something I haven't done since I came back here again, and something I don't regularly do--except occasional once-a-week movie time), and I ended up in a food court with a cup of Nescafe over ice. I didn't end up buying a beautiful pair of Reebok shorts that's on 40% discount to a very affordable 40rm price. I didn't have my haircut in one of the expensive place, I always do it in X-cut, a place where they charge only 15rm per head.

I bought lunch, dinner, 3rm-nescafe, a packet of veggies for another dinner, 10rm DIGI top-up (which was just finished after my last call), and 15rm haircut.

AND YET.

I FEEL BAD.

This is so sick, man.

I don't over spend. I didn't buy a fancy pair of full-priced or even discounted-priced Reebok gym shorts that I need. I didn't buy fancy dinner and lunch. I didn't watch a movie.

And I still feel like the poorest man in the world. The ironic part is that, yes, maybe I am.

It's NOT that i'm not thankful. I'm very thankful. But shouldn't I be able to afford those simple things? Am I like asking for a glorious allowance to be overspent in daily basis?

No. I don't think so.

Something is wrong.

Shit.

I just don't get it.

monumental

2009-02-06T09:07:00.005+07:00

To me, something is often seen 'very good' not when it's good as a whole, but when it has a memorably surprising moment in it. Something that I didn't particularly expect before enjoying it, something that is alienly interesting and funny or good.

In the movie 'Love Actually', what keeps me watching it over and over again until now is the scene of Hugh Grant doing speech after the visit of US President, that scene is brilliant, and this one scene:

+ "Shit, I can't believe I've just said that. And now I've gone and said "shit" - twice. I'm so sorry, sir."
- "It's fine, it's fine. You could've said "fuck," and then we'd have been in real trouble."
+ "Thank you, sir. I did have an awful premonition that I was gonna fuck up on the first day. Oh, piss it!"

In the movie 'Les Choristes', what keeps me watching it over and over again is the scene which starts with 'April, These kids inspire me' and the scene when Baldy got fired, and numerous paper aeroplane were flown from the window. Extremely touching.

In the Thai movie 'Hormones', which I've been watching for like 100 times since I had it in my computer, I can say there are almost 5 scenes that I fall in love with. But this one, I have to say, is the most memorable..

OH SHIT. I can't make up my mind. Here's another two monumentally memorable scenes from that movie.

Have a nice day!

pulang

2009-02-04T22:48:00.001+07:00

Beberapa langkah kaki cepat mengikuti suara besi gembok dari pintu pagar tua yang beradu, dan sampai pada satu waktu ketika serangkaian penantian itu melepas, maka ia pun berlepas, berlari masuk ke dalam rumah tua yang entah berapa tahun tak pernah sekali pun ia kembali.

Deru seperti seribu langkah beradu dengan ubin dingin, menghambur keluar seperti penantian yang selalu ditunggu-tunggu, seperti udara Januari yang seketika menjadi hangat; mereka berpelukan dalam gelap karena mereka tahu tak ada lagi yang tak terayakan kali ini, ia kembali.

Satu-satu dari mereka menyampaikan salam ke surga, menghantar ribuan kalimat terima kasih, ke tiap tiap dari tuhan mereka, ribuan kali mengucap dan menengadah dengan haru yang jatuh tulus, selagi pipi-pipi itu tertawa dan tersenyum dan berpelukan dan bernyanyi dalam diam.

Tidak hanya satu rumah, tapi juga berjuta rumah lain di tiap petak belahan bumi, di mana jiwa-jiwa yang rindu telah kembali ke rumah; pulang, ke halaman diri.

Rumah itu hanya di gang kecil, dan di luar terasap entah dingin atau rokok yang terhisap, jalanan becek, hawa berangin malam dingin habis hujan, gelap hanya temaram lampu jalan yang menerangi waktu; ketika aku berjalan melewati rumah itu, aku tahu.

Aku lalu memanggil bulan untuk menyibak tingkap gelap, aku memanggilnya untuk merayakan;

Pulang.

Indonesia

2009-01-30T22:13:00.000+07:00

Lagi ngomongin Pemilu dengan satu teman baik, lalu keluar pertanyaan ini:
Saya memimpikan Indonesia yang seperti apa?

Indonesia yang belajar.

Indonesia yang mulai menyimpan kekayaan budayanya untuk di-preserve, dilestarikan, dan dipelajari tapi bukan untuk dipertahankan selama-lamanya: Indonesia harus belajar untuk mengaplikasikan budaya ke dalam konteks yang baru, konteks kini, konteks yang kontemporer.

Indonesia yang harus mulai berjalan lebih cepat, berjalan lebih cepat tidak harus dalam revolusi, tapi satu langkah satu saat, dalam evolusi: Indonesia harus belajar untuk menempatkan diri di dunia yang ga berputar selambat Putri Solo yang lagi jalan.

Indonesia yang harus mulai berani menghadapi satu kenyataan bahwa masyarakat yang kaya itu masyarakat yang punya 1001 nilai, maka yang baru tidak pernah salah, yang benar itu tidak hanya 1, dan tidak ada yang lebih istimewa di antaranya: Indonesia harus berani menjunjung tinggi kebhinneka-an dalam arti yang sedalam-dalamnya.

Saya optimis. Tapi saya perlu 1 juta orang lain yang juga optimis, supaya kita bisa mulai belajar satu hal: berubah bersama-sama.

Selamat Hari Hujan, Jakarta.
=]

see you soon

2009-01-23T07:17:00.002+07:00

I don't know if I'm nervous or anything. I think I am. I'm going home in 10 hours, and I should should be happy and all. Jakarta is everything I want. I miss it that much until I don't wanna think about it. But now it's a tingling feeling all over my body that I feel, some kind of fear, nervousness, anxiety, helpless, over the fact that I'm gonna be home.

I know I'm gonna be okay. But I can't help replaying the moment I had to leave Jakarta earlier this month. It was so hard. I was so sad.

And the weird thing is that I've done this so many times. I almost complete my second year in PJ, so I've been back a lot of times. But I have to get thru this again and again and again. Confused and nervous.

I should be okay.

I'll be okay.

It's only for a little while.

And there are so many thing awaits.

See you in Jakarta.

=]

lemons

2009-01-22T08:07:00.002+07:00

Life just threw me lemons. I tried to catch it and make lemonade, I can, but I'm still disappointed and sad.

Anw, life's been a bit busy. College. Student society. Some things that I have to do and finish in 1 week time: dad's book, portfolio, contacting architecture firms about internship. One more priority I just added to the list: make money.

I hope from now onwards, I'll be more careful.

Arh.

But I'm going back tomorrow, back to Jakarta to celebrate CNY. So there you go, it's what's been keeping me sane for now. Food, friends, fun, family. What more can you expect?

You can check my newest design in http://sabdtaylors.blogspot.com.

Nice day, all.

segera dekatku

2009-01-09T22:40:00.000+07:00

segera dekatku, sayang
hati ini sungguh mau, entah hatimu
untuk lebih dekat denganmu
sedekat selubung kelabu awan dengan tetes hujan
sedekat dua burung gereja yang sedang bermesraan

segera dekatku, sayang
seraya menghitung mundur hari-hari kita di bumi
dan aku tak mau kehilangan sedetik pun tanpa dekat denganmu
bolehkah cinta ini dibawa berdua sampai ke alam sana?
ke mana saja, asal berdua
dan tangan ini tak akan membiarkanmu kedinginan
tetap memelukmu, hanya kehangatan
yang diri ini bisa beri
selain cinta sampai mati

segera dekatku, sayang
aku tak mau awan sore menjemputmu pulang
dan meninggalkanku di gelap malam, sendirian
hati ini pun tak di sini, hilang kau curi
hingga resah tak terkira, menunggu datangnya pagi
untuk kembali dekat denganmu

segera dekatku, sayang
aku ingin membisikkan
beberapa patah kata cinta luapan hati
yang tak terbendung lagi
supaya kau bisa mengerti
bahwa aku cinta mati

2009

2009-01-05T17:09:00.002+07:00

Happy New Year.

2008 was not a blast. It was more of a learning process, and so it doesn't start and end with some giant fireworks. That's why, if you notice, the notes in my blog are much lesser than the year before. This year, it was filled with events and happenings and stories that even if they could be devastating to me, they could not bring me down.

Once, twice, I slipped. But I think in 2008, I survived. A little bit bumpy, but that long journey I have just passed was a good journey. I learned, all along.

I learned to defeat my biggest phobia, successfully. I learned to love. I learned to change my lifestyle. I learned to accept failure. I learned to work hard and smart. I learned to live better. I learned to be positive. I learned to be thankful, not naggy and whiny. I learned to let go.

And so, I hope 2009 is a good year. I hope you and I will be happy along the year.
That's all I ask. =]

Have a nice eve, everyone.

Puncak

2008-12-29T14:47:00.001+07:00

Merry Christmas, Everyone. =]

result

2008-12-22T21:47:00.002+07:00

Sem 3 results are out.

I can't be happier. Can't be happier than this.

Best, best semester ever.

I thank God.

=']

Thanks everyone, for this wonderful sem, for every support and help along the way.
Thanks so much! Thanks so much.

archuleta

2008-12-13T10:27:00.001+07:00

2 WEEKS TO CHRISTMAS. =)

long lost love

2008-12-07T22:25:00.002+07:00

I ever took minutes (okay, seconds) to actually stare at this piece of art when I went to Berjaya Times Square's Giordano shop like 4 months ago, and I was in love from that second until now, knowing that the price is just too high and at the same time I couldn't endure that incurable spontaneous rationalization going on in my head, judging the piece of art towards the value for money.

You can never justify money over art, but yes, sometimes I just have no money, and that saddened me so much that I had to end up longing for it, not buying.

From that moment on, I've always been thinking about it to a point where it suddenly disappeared from Giordano's shelves, and it was like missing a so much waited-for rain. I let it go, I let it happen that I would never actually have that piece of art even if I have money now to buy it, simply because it's finished or not in stock anymore.

But God gave me a second chance.

At the very moment I saw that shirt in Pluit Village Giordano Sale Stall, I screamed out my old buried hope, and when I actually knew that I got 50% off the price, I was in this unspeakable tremendous joy.

So, here it is, the long lost love of mine, the Giordano's World Without Strangers Tee Project by Hidekichi Shigemoto, a japanese designer, this one and only shirt..

peluk

2008-12-04T22:23:00.002+07:00

I'm going home tomorrow. That's wonderful. And I'm gonna miss this place so much.

See you soon, in Jakarta!

little words

2008-12-02T08:13:00.006+07:00

Hi everyone.

I managed to have finished everything I needed to finish for this sem. 3 Exam papers: Construction, Services, and History. 1 final assignment: 3Ds max. 1 final studio presentation.

Everything went well, and I'm still very thankful for that.

To me, the major cases of this end of semester is History and Studio. History is quite obvious, since I managed to (almost) fail my 3 quizzes, and I'm not really good at memorizing things since like kindergarten. But what I did was I just put extra effort since days before and found some new ways to actually remember all the years and architects and buildings and floor plans. The paper turned out to be quite okay. I'm optimistic about the result.

Studio. Okay, I'm pretty equipped with brain, taste, and logic for this case, and everything went fairly well until I had to prepare for the final presentation. I'm not good at not challenging myself, and here comes the trouble. Being very attention-whore and kiasu and wanting to be different from others, I came up with like a thousand of ideas of how I'm gonna present it, being very tasteful and well-equipped. This is my first studio, and I don't ever want to regret it later. That's the thing. I was lost in preparing that for almost a week, and you know, this kind of thing just doesn't work if you don't test it out, and it took up a hell lot of time out of me.

Things turned out quite good. Yes, I only had 2 gym sessions and less protein-charged meal. And yes, I only had 5-6 hours of sleep in average, pretty much violating my 8-hour sleep policy. I worked my ass off, smartly, and I managed to finish things on time. And that's good, you know, cuz I was very worried about how the crit was gonna be like, cuz it's my first studio crit ever. And it was good.

I was supposed to present it to a panel of two lecturers who were Ms Shereen and Ms Sarah(?) from Sunway UC. The problem was when I presented it, I could only present it to Ms Sarah(?), for Ms Shereen had to go for a while earlier for a meeting and still hadn't showed up. I was a bit.. devastated. I love love Ms Shereen, the way she thinks, her taste, and all, and it made me high to know that Ms Shereen was gonna crit me. But I still did present it to the one lecturer, and she's also very brilliant and tasteful and thoughtful but still, it's not Ms Shereen!

After a while, when my group finished presenting, Ms Shereen came back and she crit the presentation boards without us presenting again, based only on the board and brief Ms Sarah(?)'s explanation. I was thinking, can I present again to her? It sounds so kiasu and all, but really, what I really wanted was to present it to Ms Shereen, wanting to know her thoughts on my work. So I came up to her when she was critting the boards and asked if she would want to have me present it to her again. She answered me yes, if I wanted to.

=') Finally.

So I did. I did present it to her all over again, and she gave me comments, and I think she's just brilliant and she assessed it very well. She pointed out my mistake here and there and I was like yeah why didn't I ever think of that? Oh that was so fulfilling, having her as the one who crit me.

What was so memorable was when she said that sentence..

'I expect no less than this, or else, I'll fail you big time..' -Ms Shereen.

It pays everything off. Really.
One-week intense hardwork pays off. I'm so glad it does.

So, before I put up the picture of my so-called lightroom presentation board, I really want to thank people, for this wonderful semester.

I thank God, for giving me the chance to breathe every single day and the power to do all these things. I thank Muw, for supporting me all through the weeks I've been in, for comforting and calming me down whenever I got panic attack. I thank the Lecturers for my studio, especially Ms Fazween, for being there and making me think more than ever. I thank all my friends here, Linda, Novi, Marco, Andry, for being there and sharing the same hell we got through, and for all the laughs we had during the process, keeping me sane all the time. I thank all my college friends for the moments during class and everything.

I thank all the tools I've been working with: my beloved Acer notebook, which is ALWAYS there for me; my HP Printer which never failed my trust; my Lumix for capturing every single moment I was passing through; and everything that helped me during the process.

It's been a very good semester, honestly. A good ride, a good journey. Better than previous ones, absolutely. I'm happier, I'm with great people, I'm in a new place, and everything is just.. great. Thanks, thanks, thanks.

So, it's a wrap, people!

Now, it's time to wait for my result to come out, and surely by that time, I'll have been home. I'm going home in 3 days. I just remember, I really need to buy a lot of things, pack my suitcase, and settle some things that are left unsettled.

I'll blog again before I go home.

Save me from myself, you can..
And it's you and no one else..
If I could wish upon tomorrow,
Tonight would never end..
If you asked me, I would follow..
But for now, I just pretend..
'Cause if anyone can make me fall in love, You can..

Have a nice day.

Lightroom 2.0 Final Release

2008-11-29T22:31:00.000+07:00

God please help me get thru monday. Amen.

lightroom 2.0 build 2

2008-11-26T22:25:00.000+07:00

almost 6 months

2008-11-26T14:27:00.001+07:00

I know some have fallen on stony ground.

But you know, love is all around.

Love is all around.

christmas is near!

2008-11-13T21:08:00.002+07:00

World, my room. My room, world. =)

Jl. Pembangunan III/1A

2008-11-13T09:03:00.003+07:00

I want to go back to Junior and Senior High School again. I miss everything that ever happened. I miss Jakarta.

if

2008-11-10T14:56:00.004+07:00

If I get a large sum of money next week, I will give it to Mom and Dad so they can travel around the world, enjoying life, something they should have started to be doing, all this time.

If.

along the road

2008-11-10T09:28:00.003+07:00

Hi again.

Reading Dee's and Marcell's blog always gives me a sense of fulfillment. A pure gratitude and relief to know that at least there are 2 humans in this world that understand, or try to understand their existence. And during their neverending process of understanding, I choose to learn from them, from the messages and thoughts they compile each and every day.

I believe that every one of us has the capacity, ability and will to actually think, to understand our existence in this world. Unfortunately, somehow this will is distorted, compensated, put down by whatever notion we are clinging to. Religion. Fun-ness of life. Fear. Shame.

People consider this too heavy to talk about. People think that this isn't needed, we believe in God. People think that it's just too scary. People think that it's so nerdy, it's so uncool. It's not fun. People think that they are still in the morning of life, it's too early, thinking that they still have so much time in life.

Do you think that way?

Or, isn't it just that we don't get to meet people with the same will, same intention, so that we bury it so deep, choosing to not try to think or talk about our existence?

I did. I find it so hard to find people who actually talk about things, things like this, things I need to share without being compensated at all, things about 'our existence'. But sometimes I'd still do it, and I got scared all the time. But that's before I read Dee's books, Marcell's blog. It gives me a sense of security, just to know that I'm not alone in this, some people are trying to figure it out too.

I changed.

Part of the cause is that I think, therefore I find new things, new answers to old questions, better answers. I change because I know I have to change. It's been good. The sad part is, almost no one is there to share, to actually grow with me, to find new things together, and change together.

Let's talk about things. Things that we did the wrong way, things we should do better, things in life that is basic, so basic that we thought it was too uncool to be talked about. Let's chat, about life. I would do it, but I hope, you start doing it too. You'll change a lot, because by taking one step forward in the road of understanding things, you'll find a lot of new things. Don't be afraid. I'm coming along with you, and others will join us too.

Let's figure it out together.

Have a nice day.

Supernova

2008-11-10T09:13:00.002+07:00

Good morning, world.

I find my apartment very windy, this morning. Well that's rare. With a blowing wind like this, I expect severe amount of clouds by 1 oclock, and heavy rain by 5 oclock. I hope it will happen.

Lesson of the morning: Do not bite an apple without looking the part you want to bite. You might swallow a part you don't wanna swallow, and by the time you realise it, it's stuck in your throat already.

Have a very good day, everyone.

you and me

2008-11-09T18:42:00.002+07:00

It's seven o clock and I’m on my way..
Eating the miles down this highway..
Say that you’ll wait for me..
To light up the Christmas tree..

Tell you the first thing that I'm gonna do..
Holding and squeezing and kissing you
under the mistletoe..
I’ve been missing you so..

This is the first holiday we’ll spend every night
I pray that it never ends..
Feels like meant to be
when I have you next to me..

Can’t wait to have you to myself..
Cuz I need you and no one else..
There’s no place in this world I’d rather be..

You’re the only present that I need..
The perfect combination is christmas, you, and me.

Christmas, you, and me..

Brian McKnight - Christmas You and Me

I can't wait for Christmas to come.

Enough said.

Nite, everyone.

lessons

2008-11-07T21:28:00.002+07:00

Lesson 1: Do not ever smack a plastic container that just came out from the freezer to any place, edge, or surface. The container will break and or crack.

Lesson 2: Do not ever lose keys. The psychological effect does more than anything else.

From now, instead of waiting for appropriate mood to write things out here, I will post short notes about lessons of the day. The ones I learn by myself. It usually means, the result or consequences have done something to me. Therefore, I'd take it as a lesson for myself, and for you all to share. Little things.

Anw.

Next week will be the announcement of another logo competition that I joined. I keep my fingers crossed. Far from hope, but I don't know, I hope it will be the day when things come around, again, after a very long while.

Finally it's only 1 month until I leave PJ again, and head home. I kinda love it this time here, compared to last semester. Things are just better. I have my own room, I manage to go for my gym sessions, I start cooking dinner, I live a quite healthy life (or at least better) and everything is just nice.

Well. Tonight, after a while, I finally can actually read magazines, and say hello to a worry-free weekend, unlike the past few weeks.

Better. Things are better.

Thanks, everyone!

4

2008-11-05T15:12:00.002+07:00

Hi.

I just came back from college. Been many times of me going back and forth, from apartment to college, these 2-3 days. Not that it's far or anything, it's just next door, but you know, somehow you think it's too much.

Thank God, yesterday and today, rain has been all over my place. The air becomes more breathable, it's just very refreshing. Not only that, also when I'm sleeping at night. Sleeping without aircon becomes somehow enjoyable. Very.

Back to now.

I just did another Architecture History quiz. I've done 2 before. The first one, I studied everything seriously, was very much confident with myself. Mark that I got? 4/8.

The second one, which was 2 weeks after the first one, I didn't really study, coz i didn't see that one coming. I thought one quiz is enough. Yeah I was definitely dreaming. This one, with me studying only for one hour, I thought let's give this a good shot, maybe I'm lucky so that I can get a good mark. Result? 4/9.

The third one, which was like one hour ago, I just knew that it's on early this morning. But I managed to study quite extensively. Though, I didn't put too much hope in this, realizing that I got 2 bad marks before and I felt like ready for anything.

Mark? 4/10.

HA. See. I don't know if this is a joke or anything. I studied and I understood the lectures, and I'm very interested in knowing as much as I can, which made me want to study even more. Yeah. But all I got is the number 4. I literally don't know what to do. Well, nothing, since this is the last quiz anyway. Studying is not good, not studying is also not good. Well, I'll definitely study as hard as I can. But it's just, your hope is crushed, and you become somehow powerless. Hopeless.

Or is it just me not getting along with the word 'history'?

I don't know. 4. I don't want to get 4 no more. TT

ANYWAY. 4 is the number for today.

Congratulations, Mr Obama for being elected as 44th President of US.

=D

Have a nice eve, everyone.

daniel powter

2008-10-30T21:58:00.002+07:00

At this point of time, I really want to bookmark my life. Should we call it 'lifemark'? Okay. Maybe not. But you get my point.

These days, I'm doing my job as an architecture student quite well. Assignments. Frustrating assignments. Limited sleep time. Limited gym session. Less fun. But I manage to go through everything. And it is good to have it that way. Exams are coming in 2 weeks time, and the final presentation is after exam week. Let's call it doomsday. I better start preparing.

These days, I feel like a complete person. Muw. Very good friends around me. Very good friends in another island not very far from here, or very far from here.

And the most recent news is that when an e-mail says that my logo design for Singapore 2010 Youth Olympic Games is shortlisted. I can't thank God enough for this. You know what I haven't ever won a thing in design. And I've done like a hundred of designs. But right now, winning is a bonus. Being shortlisted, is the ultimate gift which I be greatly thankful of.

Someday, later in my life, I want to read this post again and remember how good the days were.

I miss everyone.

I miss my family.

=')

These are additional things that find me comfort at those hard times: heartwarming random blogs. funny blogs. rain. random chat with strangers. a very wonderful morning. a wonderful afternoon. gym sessions. the images of jakarta. good songs.

Thanks, God.

Have a nice eve, you.

Laskar Pelangi

2008-10-03T20:06:00.002+07:00

Saya baru nonton film ini tadi siang, sendirian, setelah menahan selama berhari2 karna ga ada yang bisa diajak nonton. Saya mulai nonton ini dengan tingkat ekspektasi yang seubun-ubun tingginya. Saya belum baca novelnya, hanya karna saya ga suka kertas novelnya, yang makai kertas koran. Tapi itu ga menghempas kepercayaan saya terhadap cerita ini, cerita tentang Laskar Pelangi.

Saya duduk. Film mulai.

Saya mulai gak kuasa menahan haru.

=']

Ini cerita hebat. Film hebat. Pesan hebat.
Kalau ada satu hari lagi saya bisa di Jakarta, saya akan nonton lagi.

Mimpi. Adalah kunci. Untuk kita. Menaklukan dunia.
Berlarilah. Tanpa lelah. Sampai engkau. Meraihnya.

Laskar Pelangi. Takkan terikat waktu.
Bebaskan mimpimu di angkasa.
Warnai bintang di jiwa.

Menarilah dan terus tertawa.
Walau dunia tak seindah surga.
Bersyukurlah pada yang kuasa.
Cinta kita di dunia.

Selamanya.

Tiba2 saya sadar. Sering saya mengkhawatirkan keterbatasan. Gak punya ini, gak punya itu. Jadi alasan, saya gak mampu berbuat ini, berbuat itu. Dari film ini, saya sadar, keterbatasan itu omong kosong. Punya otak, punya hati, punya cita2.. pasti bisa. Mereka bisa. Saya gak boleh cuma menggerutu dan mengeluh, saya harus percaya dan bisa.

Menarilah dan terus tertawa.
Walau dunia tak seindah surga.

Saya harus lebih positif, lebih melihat kedepan tanpa risau hal2 kecil.
Gak boleh khawatir. Tapi percaya dan berbuat yang terbaik.

Terima kasih telah menjadi pesan.
Terima kasih telah mengingatkan.

Jakarta memang indah. Saya hanyut. Kadang tenggelam.

Tapi, di setiap tempat, di mana pun saya berada dan tinggal, pasti sama indahnya. Indah yang berbeda, yang gak mungkin dilupa. Indah yang ada, itu pasti, saya tak perlu cari, saya tak perlu percaya, karna memang itu ada.

Saya hanya harus mulai membuka mata.

=]

2008-10-03T16:37:00.000+07:00

I'm going back to PJ tomorrow, and I'm feeling fine.

I hope this lasts for long.

the song

2008-09-19T20:10:00.002+07:00

Hi, it's me. After a long long while, I see.

There's this song, that ever came into my life, like 2 years ago. The song is sweet. Supersweet. It came at the right time, and it was introduced by someone. At that moment, everything that came along with this song seemed so beautiful. But then after that, there were 2 years full of things that made me forget the song, and somehow I know, that's just what was needed to happen.

But tonight. Thanks to the evening of self-contemplation over my day, this song suddenly popped out of nowhere. It started playing, as I was whistling the melody and trying to recall the title, the lyrics, and what it brought along. That's the moment when I feel that.. I healed already. And this song doesn't do anything but good to me, to actually celebrate my growing up over the last 2-3 years.

Let's give it up to.. Miss Norah Jones.

It's not the pale moon
that excites me
that thrills and delights me
Oh no, it's just the nearness of you..

It isn't your sweet conversation
that brings this sensation
Oh no, it's just the nearness of you..

When you're in my arms
and i feel you so close to me
All my wildest dreams came true..

I need no soft lights to enchant me
If you'll only grant me
the right to hold you ever so tight
and to feel in the night

..the nearness of you.

a gifted kid

2008-09-01T14:49:00.003+07:00

Andrew: 'I've been bullied all my life since I was six.. My mates have been telling me to leave it.. said they don't like that kind of music..'
Simon Cowell: 'How'd you deal with that?'
Andrew: 'I carry on singing..'

It gets to me every time I watch and re-watch it. He's gifted and maybe too gifted, that people don't like him. Well that's the world we live in. You can tell him to face it, and he's facing it, with scars you can't see. He inspires me.

He inspires me, really.

the town

2008-08-24T21:28:00.004+07:00

How is it like in Jakarta at this very moment, right at this very now?

How is it like in Bundaran HI? Is the Tugu Selamat Datang's fountain showing up? Are there a lot of cars going both ways? Are the lights amazing? Is it cloudy, is it clear? Is the wind breezing, or is it blowing hard?

How is it in Senayan? Is there any tempting scent from cups of cold coffee from the coffeshops? Are there a lot of Jakarta socialite waiting for midnight? Is the 21 crowded?

How about Kota? Is it full, is it empty? Could I see the familiar scene of porridge shops, busway lanes, hawker stalls? Is the smell still the same?

How is it like in Menteng? Is there still a room for cars to pass by the busy streets, filled with the supper people, enjoying the talk over some fancy bistro foods, accompanied by jazz bands playing Buble's song, in one of the mushrooming fancy cafes and restaurants?

How is it like in S Parman, between the towers of skyscrapers, speeding cars in the highway? Are there a lot of cars going out from TA? How crowded is it in Bundaran Semanggi? Could I see fancy cars going in as well as workers waiting for buses to go home? Could I overlook the peaking Pacific Place? Is BEJ still charming at this round of time?

I'm walking down the street of Thamrin, passing by the Djakarta Theatre with its town hype over the evening, EX with loads of cars queueing to go in, taking a deep breath while my eyes couldn't help running through the town, stripping it naked.

It's amazing to know how far your mind could take you.

what studio teaches us

2008-08-18T20:29:00.003+07:00

'If you have to try so hard, then something must be wrong..'
Ms Fazween, Design Studio Lecturer.

It was when one of the groups was facing the crits by 3 lecturers, something on the work was pointed out not right, not properly done, wrong. The sentence came up, she said that, and for a second there I was kinda stopped, stunned. Stunned. Shocked. Surprised. Quizzed.

It made me think. Over, and over again. I then reflected.

'If you have to try so hard, then something must be wrong..'

It's genuinely true. True. Isn't it true, isn't it crystal clear? Isn't it something that we always forget, when we push something hard, too hard, for way too long, thinking that it may work, it might work someday, that when it works, all the effort will pay off dearly? We push, and push, and believe in it, and sometimes even when we have to pay it with pain, we snobbishly think that our resistance is what we are proud of, even when we say it with tears, a broken soul, and invisible blood of scars all over ourselves?

'If you have to try so hard, then something must be wrong..'

We forget. I forgot. We always do.
That some things are just not meant to be, not when we are excusing ourselves all this time with an imaginary vision of its working, while we are bleeding all over the place, still trying to put a smile on our faces, proudly calling it faith. Something must be wrong.

Boy she is right.

look up!

2008-08-16T20:54:00.001+07:00

Fridays

2008-08-15T16:45:00.002+07:00

I find Fridays weird.

This particular and personal opinion towards Fridays has grown since I was a child. My Fridays were full of things, lessons, courses, and after I finished everything that I had to do, I was free. My Fridays during junior and senior high school are quite the same. My Fridays were long, as during junior high school I always have scouting thingy afterschool on Fridays, and the last years of it were filled with meetings and practicing things for events. In senior high school, my Fridays were filled with 2 lessons after school, and it's only finished like at 8-9 pm.

My Fridays in college is more or less the same. Last year, I had a design communication class until 5, and the other semester I had AutoCAD until 12. Now? Now I have nothing but groupwork on Fridays.

For me, Fridays are the mix of fatigue, early weekend feel, long afternoon and short evening, as well as this sensation of a weird feeling attached to it. For me, Fridays are the end, and also the start. Fridays are the moment when you feel like you can do anything you want and still be excused to think nothing about tommorow.

I find that weird.

It's a good weird. Romantically weird.

Right now I'm imagining a friday when I can spend my afternoon in somewhere busy, somewhere packed with a lot of people coming back from work, while I'm strolling down the street with Muw, or inside a car heading somewhere romantic for dinner while getting stuck in the traffic, listening to a silly conversation from the radio, talking about things we don't have time to talk about, and agreeing that Fridays are good-weird.

Fridays are the days where you think of romantic things and hope you can have it sometime soon, when you think that you could spend the entire evening harmlessly and pointlessly because you think you still have the whole saturday tomorrow, when I want to get myself to sleep with eyes open, not wanting it to end.

Well, it's Friday today. I want to be home, but at the same time, I want to be somewhere crowded, but at the same time I just want to sleep and pray for another Friday to come quickly, a Friday when I am not alone.

I want Muw.

Happy weekend, people.

after all I've been through

2008-08-13T18:46:00.003+07:00

I don't know why, I don't know why. It's been 3 weeks, it's been a very good life here, everything I would have hoped for. I know, there is no reason to complain, but you know, i thought this happened only on my first few days back here, but yeah, shit, it lingers on until now.

The pictures, the moments, the unpleasantly-longer-than-ever seconds, they are flashing unstoppably in my mind, day and night. The day, that day, the last day before I went back here. Are they real? It's not me, it's not me controlling, my mind just recalls those moments. I don't really see faces, tho, it is more like the overall pictures and a very specified feeling attached to it. A lot of times, a word triggers it. I heard a word, then my mind was already parked at the particular moment, while this rush, the emo is rushing in my blood.

I don't know what this is. I don't miss it, I don't, I hope I don't. Am I traumatized? Or is this an unresolved issue? Will I get over it someday? Can someday be today, tonight? What if it stays forever?

Those words, please stop banging my head with unpleasant details of the last day in Jakarta, with everything I love and hate at the same time, everyone I would kiss and I would kill, please detach yourself from those songs, those places, those afternoon I once loved, please, you'd make me hate them all, you'd make me someone I don't wanna be.

I want to be able to picture myself coming back to Jakarta, later this Nov, with a happy self, a fully contented self, welcoming the days ahead. I can't do this now. I can't do this now. I hope I can, at that day. I hope I have fully recovered from whatever I'm having now. I know I'll be fine, I know.

My logical self overpowers me, I'm fine, I should be fine, but I don't know if I am.

I can't tell.

are the details in the fabric,
are the things that make you panic,

are the things that make you blow,
hell, no reason, go on and scream,

If you're shocked it's just the fault
of faulty manufacturing..

everything will be fine,
everything, in no time at all..

Jason Mraz - Details in the Fabric

funny God

2008-08-10T13:05:00.003+07:00

I was walking on one side of the road from church, attending the mass and listening to several readings about God, His presence, His helping hands, and stuff like that. The sky was cloudy, it was still in the morning, around 9.30 am. The breeze was a bit cold, and I was walking alone.

I was trying to think about things in my chest that bugged me when I was in the church. I remembered that I felt something in my chest that still had not come off from its place after a long long while, something from the past that sometimes still resurfaces.

The two minds clashed when suddenly I dared ask God. I said it silently. God, you'll help me through this, I know you will, you do, but please, strengthen me right now, pour me some rain. Pour me some rain.

It was only a couple of minutes after that when a drop of rain fell on the tip of my nose.

=]

Thanks, God.

This post also goes to Jon who witnessed God in his own way. You can find his post in the links I put in the sidebar. Happy weekend, everyone.

new life

2008-08-07T19:38:00.003+07:00

When I was in Jakarta, it was so hard for me to leave. I knew, I knew that it was gonna be okay. I, will be okay in the end. But you know, going thru that phase, it was not easy. I was in Jakarta for two and a half months, there were some things you had taken for granted on those days, and I got used to that. Got used to the comfort of being home, and got used to the pain.

I was in pain when I got back here, again. Not an easy evening, that night before I left. Seconds were going like a lot slower than usual. Funny, I knew I was in pain, but still, I was thinking that I was gonna miss all of those. Getting emotional, several feelings were mixed up with pain, but before I knew it, I was in PJ, again.

Talking thru this, why in the world was I thinking that I was gonna miss the pain? Oh, fuck myself. Stupid.

It's so nice to be back here again. I love my friends, well this part is new, since I didn't (towards some), but it's gonna be a long long story to get it told completely, and it just doesn't work the other way. I'm loving my small room, I'm loving the fact that I'm here on my own, but being on my own is not without friends. They are all here for me, and that's just nice. I love the part when I wake up and I go to the kitchen and open the blinds, I can see and feel and smell the morning. Sky is not bright yet, but from far, you can see a ray of light, a shining start of day. The view is breathtaking, imagine I'm seeing this from 17th floor: a city with its early morning haze, and the smell is just wonderful. I can even see cars get stuck in the early packed traffic, going downtown, as well as people going to work and college.

As I prepare my breakfast (two scrambled or boiled eggs and a cup of full-cream milk), I can't stop thanking God how I'm blessed with such a beautiful morning, and I get to see this each and every day. But that is not all, I get to do things all at once, preparing breakfast, bathing, washing dishes, and stuff. Soon after that, you'll find me rushing to the lift and walking briskly to the college with a green apple in my hand, and well, that, is special.

That's still not all. I get to prepare lunch on weekends, and dinner also on weekdays. Pretty occupied, I see, but when I am occupied, that's me at my best. I'm being rational, I'm being logical, and I can put aside my emo bit for a second there. I also stick to my beloved daily routine: gym sessions. Too much to describe it here, but you know, every part of my life here is nothing but enjoyable. I know I will still bitch about it here, but I also know that things don't get better than this. Routine, friends, a fresh morning air, and my kind of fun. Packed in one.

As I get through my first weeks back here again, I was and maybe am still in pain, but I realise something. I realise, that those days when I rant about things, that I didn't want things to change, that I was in pain, that I didn't want to go back here again; I simply forgot about things that make me more than alive. I forgot that I was happy, I was happier here, in PJ. I was damn happy. Jakarta? Yeah it was good and all, but the pain part was not cool. I forgot that I could enjoy a simple morning to the fullest, I could have my gym sessions as my kind of fun, I don't have to worry about silly things, and the very fact that I could live. I was alive, back there in Jakarta, but here, I'm more than alive.

All I need to do is to remember things, all the good things that I once forgot, and my being here is nothing but best. Now, I'm doing fine. I'm better than when I was in Jakarta. I'm okay. Thanks for the days, Jakarta. I'm not missing you for now. I hope I won't.

I'm pretty much done.

It's time to live a good life. =D

this is what i'm saying..

2008-07-26T15:01:00.000+07:00

I'm doing just fine.

i'll close my eyes and dream away

2008-07-23T20:06:00.002+07:00

2 1/2 months are enough.

I'm back to Malaysia tomorrow. I thought I couldn't get thru this easily, yeah I was right. But after today, I've said things I wanted to say, I've done things I wanted to do, I get things out of my chest. A big relief. Thanks to every one of you all, it's been a great moment here, in Jakarta. Thanks to every street I've passed, every person I've talked to, every afternoon I love. I will always remember this holiday as a holiday to remember, simply because things happened, good and bad, and whichever it was, I've been through all I could get thru, and I survived.

I'm ready to leave Jakarta. See you when I see you!

OH SHIT THIS IS SO HARD. =']

karma

2008-07-19T20:06:00.001+07:00

I know, God, this is karma I'm facing. Thank you.

sampai besok pagi.

2008-07-17T21:42:00.002+07:00

Kalah. Kalah dengan bodohnya.

Seperti sekam tua yang tiba2 disulut korek, membakar. Setelah bertahun2, hangatnya belum habis kerasa. Hangus, kalah, panasnya bersisa. Pengen cepat matikan, tapi entah bertahan sampai kapan. Semoga hanya sampai besok pagi.

a day to remember

2008-07-17T20:42:00.002+07:00

I don't wanna waste a lifetime chasing pots of gold..
I don't wanna miss the sunshine standing in the cold..
I don't wanna be the one who's left behind..
I wanna catch a glimpse of life..

C'mon darlin', now we've started something
that we've both gotta want to see right through..
But I know darlin' that I would rather give it up
than waste these precious moments with you..

Mamas Gun - Pots of Gold

private practice

2008-07-10T23:17:00.002+07:00

After all this time, I still think I am way expired. For over a year now. I've been excusing myself, telling myself that the time will come. I believe it will. So God, I ask you kindly, please don't let them take that away from me.

Because I'll just let it be. We'll see.

hah

2008-07-07T17:07:00.004+07:00

I just came across some of my highschool friends in friendster, and the real one question that popped in my head is that: how are those highschool jerks? are they still a bunch of jerks or have they grown up a little? do they still talk and shout crap all the time?

I really wanna know! =D

pity you

2008-07-05T23:12:00.003+07:00

Kenapa ya orang2 di dunia ini ga bisa berusaha baik untuk hal2 kecil ataupun hal2 besar yang sebenernya merupakan kepentingan diri sendiri?

I rarely end up asking for help. I DO ask for help, don't get me wrong here, in the event of 'could you lower your voice please', 'could you please get out this is my room', 'could you please bother someone else with that question', or simpler things such as 'mbaak di mana kaos kaki aku?'. I think I love doing things by myself and I'm really proud that I don't bother people around, especially if the problem is caused or about me.

Surprisingly, in return, I love to help. I really love to help until I think people take me for granted that I'm there to help. The feeling doesn't conclude itself in a very short period, other than that, it accumulates and it does so until I reach the point where I could not differentiate whether I'm wanted to help out or I'm being manipulated.

Really. So in the end it goes like this: If I ever need help, which is not seldom, I will ask for it in a very kind manner as I'm the one who needs it, and beforehand, I will have done everything I could to handle it by myself, and the most important thing is that I will not let myself be a burden to whoever helping me out, I will not let myself ask for more than the very HELP itself.

So if the problem is 100%, firstly I will try to tackle it as much as I could, for example 40%, and let the impossible 60% be a kindness of whoever helping me out. Not finished yet, I will only ask for that 60%, and if I could provide a limo for that person to fetch him back and forth, when money is not one of my problem here, I would. I would do everything to entertain the person, simply because I'm the one who needs help.

If you need help and nobody in this world could do you a favor beside him and you treat him like a crap, you better pity yourself because I pity you.

Oh, people nowadays. Where are your heads?

kota tua

2008-07-05T09:27:00.005+07:00

Tadi malam saya mimpi tentang kos-an. Untuk kedua kali.

Kalau beberapa malam sebelumnya saya mimpi dapat tempat kamar di sebuah rumah yang rame banget, dan waktu itu kebayang daerah Latumeten, gang sempit rumah bertingkat, gaya Indo lama; tadi malam saya mimpi dapat kamar di daerah stasiun kota, daerah Kota Tua yang tiba2 sungainya melebar dan meng-indah, saya dapat kamar yang menghadap ke sungai.

Ah. Betapa masalah kamar saya yang belum secara resmi saya sewa di malaysia bisa sampai kebawa tidur.

Have a nice weekend, people.

kembalilah..

2008-07-03T21:02:00.002+07:00

I don't want to whine about it. I just want to make the best of it, coz we knew this day was gonna come, and we chose to live it. I'm trying my best.

I think

2008-06-28T11:06:00.002+07:00

I think I'm the only one left in this world who is still capable of handling emotions in a very logical and non-destructive manner. Am I the only one who is still using something useful-unless-you-don't-use-it called brain?

Maybe.

you really know where to start

2008-06-27T10:13:00.002+07:00

I really love it if I could just talk anything I want to anyone I want to talk to. But sometimes, I love it even more when someone wants me to listen to whatever someone wants to share with me.

It's been forever since I got a warm hug, and this holiday, eventhough it's warm enough with all friends around me who keep making me feel blessed, I still still long for muw. When I get back there, when I eventually have to fly back to PJ, I will have to face another months of desperate longing.

I know, though, when I get back there, things will have changed.

I hope it's a good change.

memories

2008-06-08T16:48:00.000+07:00

A lot of things have happened.

No, I was joking. It's holiday, what do you expect?

Despite the fact that I'm confused myself about whether I'm getting muscular or fatter (I really can't tell), I feel good because of the exercises that have become a sort of routine for me. Mom always complains though, like, how if this will make me addicted and I can never get enough of it, but I guess mom has known me too well that she doesn't want me to change into those headless hunks I often meet in the gym.

Oh and now I guess I've eliminated one phobia off my list. So happy to do that. It's surprising how people often fear about something they haven't faced before. I was one of those people, now I'm not. A progress.

I'm not upset anymore about NUS thingy. Surprisingly, I now start thinking of things I have to think about before flying back to PJ, like where I'm gonna live before august and stuff. Hum. As my stuff are scattered in my friends' places, I literally don't have any place to stay. Haha.

One thing that kept me alive at the moment I got the bad news was how people get back at me about the news. 'It's good to have you around', 'I can still meet you then!', oh how I am so thankful they are there in my life.

Hum.

Actually I want to write about this. You know, before I got to malaysia, there were a lot of things happened. Some stuff that once were so important, I believe it was a drama and conflict and oh-that's-so-high-school kinds of stuff. And it's obvious, whenever a case happened, it involved someone else. Someone important.

I remember that I was quite upset with this one friend. But what surprises me now is that I can't remember what I was upset about. It's been two years, but I do remember things happened in the very long past vividly so this one is kinda new. I can't recall, I can't remember the conflict. I think I barely remember, but though I'm thinking about it now in a way like why-would-I-get-mad-about-those-kind-of-stuff way. Seriously.

It's either I was very exaggerating stuff and I have become less exaggerating eversince, or simply I am not that person anymore.

Have I changed?

Let's say, it's exactly like the saying: time heals wounds. If that's the case, then I think it's a good thing I've forgot about all those negative moments so that I've moved on unconsciously and we could sort of open a new chapter of our friendship. I then apologized to the person. Not a long time ago. I suddenly felt like apologizing. I felt like I need to as.

Then I pose another question. Did I mess things up? Was it me? Or was it you? If time heals my wound, will it heal your wound too if I did make one? Are we going through the same phase of life although we are thousands of miles apart?

I hope we do.

I hope people do.

quote of the day

2008-05-29T20:13:00.002+07:00

'oic.. good to have you around.. '

Thanks. Thanks.

expiry date

2008-05-29T13:03:00.001+07:00

I'm expired.

I'm best before last night.

Thanks cad, ta. I appreciate it.

little light entertainment

2008-05-25T19:37:00.003+07:00

I don't make it into NUS.

That's an update.

I don't get into NUS because I'm not that smart. And I may not be able to go to University of Melbourne because I'm not that rich. I have to face it.

I'm looking for a university that appreciate the fact that people can't be all THAT smart and THAT rich.

Those people should really feel lucky because they have at least one of those. Rich or fucking smart.

Sometimes I don't get it. I want to go sulking all day because of this but I know I should have seen this coming, so I will just shut up and write one post. And I really have to let this go.

I was really hoping that I could get in, you know. A little part of me kept on saying this time I could make it. What was I thinking?

See, I still couldn't let go.

I need a slap on my face.

I have to let go.

i'll be home tonight

2008-05-07T08:32:00.000+07:00

I'm going home today..
I believe I've missed each and every face..
get there and play my music..
Turn on every love light in the place..

It's time I found myself..
Totally surrounded in the circles..
Oh oh, my friends..

Please, celebrate me home..

my friend's friend's twin

2008-05-02T21:04:00.003+07:00

I just got back from KLCC, celebrating the end of exam with Jessica and Liz. It was real fun for me. Real fun. I can't remember the last time I get to talk and talk and walk and walk and just inhale the air of a shopping center. I love the smell. That's weird.

Anyway, the funny thing happened afterwards.

In the platform where I was waiting for the train, I saw a familiar glimpse of someone. He was familiar. He was waiting for the same train. He was kinda looking at me. After a while I realized that he is my friend's friend who often bumps into me when I'm having dinner or something. He is Maria's friend. Though, I'm not close with Maria, we just happen to greet each other every time we meet, never engage in a conversation. I don't even know his name. And I then thought about it over: is it really the guy? Even if this is the guy, I can't greet him. It takes a name to greet him, and I don't know his name. I also never greet him before, I only greet Maria. But now if I know he's Maria's friend, I bet he knows I'm the guy that often greets Maria, and that will be totally awkward and wrong and bad if I don't greet him. And plus I wasn't so sure.

Fast forward to the moment when I reached my stop, so I got down from the train. He did the same thing, he got down at the same stop. I got my guts. I shouldn't be that cruel.

I greeted: Hey you're just alone? Not with Maria?

It sounds so improper, but I said it in Indonesian coz I was sure he's Indonesian, so he must understand what I'm saying.

He replied: Oh, you're mistaken! I'm not him, I'm his twin..

Gosh.

Hahahahahahahaha.

So they are twins! I'm like acting so cool, he looks at me as if I know his twin well, but in fact, I even never greets his twin! I never know his twin's name! I thought it would be cruel to not greet someone we know that we meet on the train.

I thought the conversation ended already. But I was wrong.

It turns out that he carried on talking about things, asking me things such as where I went just now for what, which term I am in. I'm not a hospitality student, I'm an architecture student, I said. How do you know him then? He was then curious. I saw him several times with my friend, Maria, I said. Oh.

We kept on talking until we had to go our way, he was going to his condo, I was going to mine.

I was quite stunned.

Is this what I've missed all this time? This is new. He is a stranger, someone I thought I knew. I was mistaken about who he is. But we managed to engage in a conversation! I feel bad. I really feel bad. If I were him, I would just walk away, probably. My head would be filled with tons of prejudice and invisible gap, I would feel insecure. But he did not. He talked to me like I'm really his friend, like I was not mistaken, like I correctly recognized him.

Geez.

I really need to learn this.

And up to this time, I still don't even know his name. His name will be 'someone I met on the train, someone I thought I knew but later I realized that I was wrong, someone that is the twin of someone I knew, someone whose name I never know, was wrong about, and will never know'.

Quite a long name.

When archuleta tells me..

2008-04-19T22:43:00.001+07:00

They don't always happen when you ask..
And its easy to give in to your fears..
But when you're blinded by your pain..
Cant see the way, get through the rain..

A small but still, resilient voice,
Says hope is very near..

..I do believe.

am moving in, on, and out

2008-04-13T15:49:00.003+07:00

I start packing things up, bits by bits. My books, piles of paper, tools, magazines, and other stuff I've been buying since last year. It's kinda sad. I don't know why. I know that I'll be moving out, I'll have to, and I know whichever place I'm gonna move in to later, it will be better than this one.

But somehow, you miss things even if it does harm to you. There were super emotional days, super happy days, and it all happened in this room. This room was what I missed when I got back home the other day. I rest my head in this room, and it's been nearly a year.

People come and go. I come and go.

6 months ago, my old roomie stayed with me. He was nice. He moved out, and my new roomie moved in. This one is tough. I can go thru a list, but I kinda let it all go now. Nevertheless, he helped me when I got sick. It's one of the very few reasons I still want to cope with him.

So, soon, as I booked my ticket last night: I'm gonna fly home on 7th May, I'm gonna leave this room empty, move my stuff to several places, put it for a while in Linda's place, maybe also in Mr. Woon's place, my lecturer, so I don't need to rent another room anytime soon, at least not until I got words from NUS, whether I'm in or not.

I'm gonna rent a single room.

I've been packing for several days, just several few things first. Tidying things up, starting to think about the way I'm gonna move several big things like rice cooker, electric kettle, and my lovely Maxim frying pan. Starting to think of what I'm gonna buy for my family in Jakarta. Starting to think of going to a lot of places no matter what on earth happens before I'm back to Jakarta.

Thinking what could come in days from now.

Anything could happen.

Gawd. I'm gonna miss this room so much.

jakarta

2008-04-04T20:27:00.004+07:00

Have you ever had this feeling that you were so sure about what you did, with all the consequences, careful thinking and deep self-reflecting, and now, you start regretting it, pieces by pieces. Regretting things you did. Wishing you did a slightly different way of doing something, which now you believe will make a great difference.

That you have a completely different way of thinking about that, now.

That you hope, really hope that you don't need to pay that off. That you hope nothing is damaged. Nothing is broken. Things should have changed, but at that particular moment, you wish it didn't. You don't want to pay it off.

Then. You come to think that you couldn't have been wrong. You did the calculations. Was it only temporary explosion of emotion? Or was it really logically thought of? You now insist that you did the right thing, that you couldn't miss it.

But deep. Deep in your heart. You still hope you didn't change a thing.

Am I just that lonely to come up with this thought? Or is it just right to question? Shit. I hate scrolling down thru sms list in my inbox. I hate it because it reminds me of something you did wrong, something that happened a very very long time ago but has a very good corelation with what just happened, something about all those blue days, all those sms-es that occupy some parts of your brain and have been in sleeping state all these times, something about everything you did, everything that happened.

800 sms-es are a lot of days. Months. A lot of events. A lot of ppl. A lot of places. A lot of afternoons. A lot of chances. A lot of emotions. A lot of thinking as if it were just yesterday. Now I don't have any idea what to do with those sms-es. Do I need to delete it? Do I have to read it? Do I have to.. look back and think?

It all happened in Jakarta.

I miss it, there. I can't say much. I just, miss it. All those afternoons. All those blue days. All those dramas. All those moments happened last time. All that I miss.

I hope I can be back, soon.

gravity & antigravity

2008-03-27T21:51:00.002+07:00

Gravity still holds me back. I'm antigravity.

bifurkasi

2008-03-26T19:19:00.002+07:00

Sometimes, after all you've done, a great effort of thinking and trying to change something you think is wrong, after a very long while of insisting to do something about it and trying every way you can to do it:

..you just let go.

I let go.

f off

2008-03-22T14:37:00.002+07:00

I don't give a damn. I give shit to you. And that's kinda weird, becoz you're a shithead already, so that makes it redundant. I don't care.

You're so shitty, shithead.

rain

2008-03-21T15:57:00.002+07:00

It's been raining for days. All the afternoons.
I've been emotional for days. Only one thing that could stop me.

Rain.

Don't stop. Please.
I need you to stop me from becoming a person they make me want to be.

singapore

2008-03-17T07:25:00.002+07:00

It takes a very big thing to make me feel belong. And these guys, sure made me feel belong. I wanted to stay. I can't believe how big the feeling is, praying to god so I can stay. I can see them in August without having to leave.

Thx Kev, Pras, Howard. It was a blast.

NUS. Library. McD. Afternoon walk. Bus. Apartment. Lounge. Little talk. Another bus ride. Moderate heart-warming talk. Laugh. Smile. Grateful. Fullerton. Chocolate. Big-crappy-but-sure-make-me-happy talk. Laugh. Big laugh. Big gratitude. Long walk from Fullerton to City Hall. A kind of walk I've always wanted to go for. Clarke Quay. A question. Orchard. Lift. Door. Another day. City Hall. Coffeebean. Cathedral. Palm. A long walk from Dhoby Ghaut to Orchard. Paragon. Soup. Laughs. Short-stories. A little run. A little goodbye.

A little hope.

=']

a word or two

2008-02-24T22:30:00.002+07:00

..Supernova, saya benar-benar tidak menyangka.
Bagaimana mungkin sesuatu yang tadinya berusaha saya pertahankan mati-matian justru kembali ketika saya lepaskan?
- Arwin to Supernova, Supernova: Ksatria, Puteri, dan Bintang Jatuh. Dee, 2001.

Buat Erika di Jakarta sana.
Semangat, te!