jakarta

Have you ever had this feeling that you were so sure about what you did, with all the consequences, careful thinking and deep self-reflecting, and now, you start regretting it, pieces by pieces. Regretting things you did. Wishing you did a slightly different way of doing something, which now you believe will make a great difference.

That you have a completely different way of thinking about that, now.

That you hope, really hope that you don't need to pay that off. That you hope nothing is damaged. Nothing is broken. Things should have changed, but at that particular moment, you wish it didn't. You don't want to pay it off.

Then. You come to think that you couldn't have been wrong. You did the calculations. Was it only temporary explosion of emotion? Or was it really logically thought of? You now insist that you did the right thing, that you couldn't miss it.

But deep. Deep in your heart. You still hope you didn't change a thing.

Am I just that lonely to come up with this thought? Or is it just right to question? Shit. I hate scrolling down thru sms list in my inbox. I hate it because it reminds me of something you did wrong, something that happened a very very long time ago but has a very good corelation with what just happened, something about all those blue days, all those sms-es that occupy some parts of your brain and have been in sleeping state all these times, something about everything you did, everything that happened.

800 sms-es are a lot of days. Months. A lot of events. A lot of ppl. A lot of places. A lot of afternoons. A lot of chances. A lot of emotions. A lot of thinking as if it were just yesterday. Now I don't have any idea what to do with those sms-es. Do I need to delete it? Do I have to read it? Do I have to.. look back and think?

It all happened in Jakarta.

I miss it, there. I can't say much. I just, miss it. All those afternoons. All those blue days. All those dramas. All those moments happened last time. All that I miss.



I hope I can be back, soon.