Sunday, August 24, 2008

the town

How is it like in Jakarta at this very moment, right at this very now?

How is it like in Bundaran HI? Is the Tugu Selamat Datang's fountain showing up? Are there a lot of cars going both ways? Are the lights amazing? Is it cloudy, is it clear? Is the wind breezing, or is it blowing hard?

How is it in Senayan? Is there any tempting scent from cups of cold coffee from the coffeshops? Are there a lot of Jakarta socialite waiting for midnight? Is the 21 crowded?

How about Kota? Is it full, is it empty? Could I see the familiar scene of porridge shops, busway lanes, hawker stalls? Is the smell still the same?

How is it like in Menteng? Is there still a room for cars to pass by the busy streets, filled with the supper people, enjoying the talk over some fancy bistro foods, accompanied by jazz bands playing Buble's song, in one of the mushrooming fancy cafes and restaurants?

How is it like in S Parman, between the towers of skyscrapers, speeding cars in the highway? Are there a lot of cars going out from TA? How crowded is it in Bundaran Semanggi? Could I see fancy cars going in as well as workers waiting for buses to go home? Could I overlook the peaking Pacific Place? Is BEJ still charming at this round of time?

I'm walking down the street of Thamrin, passing by the Djakarta Theatre with its town hype over the evening, EX with loads of cars queueing to go in, taking a deep breath while my eyes couldn't help running through the town, stripping it naked.

It's amazing to know how far your mind could take you.

Monday, August 18, 2008

what studio teaches us

'If you have to try so hard, then something must be wrong..'
Ms Fazween, Design Studio Lecturer.

It was when one of the groups was facing the crits by 3 lecturers, something on the work was pointed out not right, not properly done, wrong. The sentence came up, she said that, and for a second there I was kinda stopped, stunned. Stunned. Shocked. Surprised. Quizzed.

It made me think. Over, and over again. I then reflected.

'If you have to try so hard, then something must be wrong..'

It's genuinely true. True. Isn't it true, isn't it crystal clear? Isn't it something that we always forget, when we push something hard, too hard, for way too long, thinking that it may work, it might work someday, that when it works, all the effort will pay off dearly? We push, and push, and believe in it, and sometimes even when we have to pay it with pain, we snobbishly think that our resistance is what we are proud of, even when we say it with tears, a broken soul, and invisible blood of scars all over ourselves?

'If you have to try so hard, then something must be wrong..'

We forget. I forgot. We always do.
That some things are just not meant to be, not when we are excusing ourselves all this time with an imaginary vision of its working, while we are bleeding all over the place, still trying to put a smile on our faces, proudly calling it faith. Something must be wrong.

Boy she is right.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Friday, August 15, 2008


I find Fridays weird.

This particular and personal opinion towards Fridays has grown since I was a child. My Fridays were full of things, lessons, courses, and after I finished everything that I had to do, I was free. My Fridays during junior and senior high school are quite the same. My Fridays were long, as during junior high school I always have scouting thingy afterschool on Fridays, and the last years of it were filled with meetings and practicing things for events. In senior high school, my Fridays were filled with 2 lessons after school, and it's only finished like at 8-9 pm.

My Fridays in college is more or less the same. Last year, I had a design communication class until 5, and the other semester I had AutoCAD until 12. Now? Now I have nothing but groupwork on Fridays.

For me, Fridays are the mix of fatigue, early weekend feel, long afternoon and short evening, as well as this sensation of a weird feeling attached to it. For me, Fridays are the end, and also the start. Fridays are the moment when you feel like you can do anything you want and still be excused to think nothing about tommorow.

I find that weird.

It's a good weird. Romantically weird.

Right now I'm imagining a friday when I can spend my afternoon in somewhere busy, somewhere packed with a lot of people coming back from work, while I'm strolling down the street with Muw, or inside a car heading somewhere romantic for dinner while getting stuck in the traffic, listening to a silly conversation from the radio, talking about things we don't have time to talk about, and agreeing that Fridays are good-weird.

Fridays are the days where you think of romantic things and hope you can have it sometime soon, when you think that you could spend the entire evening harmlessly and pointlessly because you think you still have the whole saturday tomorrow, when I want to get myself to sleep with eyes open, not wanting it to end.

Well, it's Friday today. I want to be home, but at the same time, I want to be somewhere crowded, but at the same time I just want to sleep and pray for another Friday to come quickly, a Friday when I am not alone.

I want Muw.

Happy weekend, people.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

after all I've been through

I don't know why, I don't know why. It's been 3 weeks, it's been a very good life here, everything I would have hoped for. I know, there is no reason to complain, but you know, i thought this happened only on my first few days back here, but yeah, shit, it lingers on until now.

The pictures, the moments, the unpleasantly-longer-than-ever seconds, they are flashing unstoppably in my mind, day and night. The day, that day, the last day before I went back here. Are they real? It's not me, it's not me controlling, my mind just recalls those moments. I don't really see faces, tho, it is more like the overall pictures and a very specified feeling attached to it. A lot of times, a word triggers it. I heard a word, then my mind was already parked at the particular moment, while this rush, the emo is rushing in my blood.

I don't know what this is. I don't miss it, I don't, I hope I don't. Am I traumatized? Or is this an unresolved issue? Will I get over it someday? Can someday be today, tonight? What if it stays forever?

Those words, please stop banging my head with unpleasant details of the last day in Jakarta, with everything I love and hate at the same time, everyone I would kiss and I would kill, please detach yourself from those songs, those places, those afternoon I once loved, please, you'd make me hate them all, you'd make me someone I don't wanna be.

I want to be able to picture myself coming back to Jakarta, later this Nov, with a happy self, a fully contented self, welcoming the days ahead. I can't do this now. I can't do this now. I hope I can, at that day. I hope I have fully recovered from whatever I'm having now. I know I'll be fine, I know.

My logical self overpowers me, I'm fine, I should be fine, but I don't know if I am.

I can't tell.

are the details in the fabric,
are the things that make you panic,

are the things that make you blow,
hell, no reason, go on and scream,

If you're shocked it's just the fault

of faulty manufacturing..

everything will be fine,
everything, in no time at all..

Jason Mraz - Details in the Fabric

Sunday, August 10, 2008

funny God

I was walking on one side of the road from church, attending the mass and listening to several readings about God, His presence, His helping hands, and stuff like that. The sky was cloudy, it was still in the morning, around 9.30 am. The breeze was a bit cold, and I was walking alone.

I was trying to think about things in my chest that bugged me when I was in the church. I remembered that I felt something in my chest that still had not come off from its place after a long long while, something from the past that sometimes still resurfaces.

The two minds clashed when suddenly I dared ask God. I said it silently. God, you'll help me through this, I know you will, you do, but please, strengthen me right now, pour me some rain. Pour me some rain.

It was only a couple of minutes after that when a drop of rain fell on the tip of my nose.


Thanks, God.

This post also goes to Jon who witnessed God in his own way. You can find his post in the links I put in the sidebar. Happy weekend, everyone.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

new life

When I was in Jakarta, it was so hard for me to leave. I knew, I knew that it was gonna be okay. I, will be okay in the end. But you know, going thru that phase, it was not easy. I was in Jakarta for two and a half months, there were some things you had taken for granted on those days, and I got used to that. Got used to the comfort of being home, and got used to the pain.

I was in pain when I got back here, again. Not an easy evening, that night before I left. Seconds were going like a lot slower than usual. Funny, I knew I was in pain, but still, I was thinking that I was gonna miss all of those. Getting emotional, several feelings were mixed up with pain, but before I knew it, I was in PJ, again.

Talking thru this, why in the world was I thinking that I was gonna miss the pain? Oh, fuck myself. Stupid.

It's so nice to be back here again. I love my friends, well this part is new, since I didn't (towards some), but it's gonna be a long long story to get it told completely, and it just doesn't work the other way. I'm loving my small room, I'm loving the fact that I'm here on my own, but being on my own is not without friends. They are all here for me, and that's just nice. I love the part when I wake up and I go to the kitchen and open the blinds, I can see and feel and smell the morning. Sky is not bright yet, but from far, you can see a ray of light, a shining start of day. The view is breathtaking, imagine I'm seeing this from 17th floor: a city with its early morning haze, and the smell is just wonderful. I can even see cars get stuck in the early packed traffic, going downtown, as well as people going to work and college.

As I prepare my breakfast (two scrambled or boiled eggs and a cup of full-cream milk), I can't stop thanking God how I'm blessed with such a beautiful morning, and I get to see this each and every day. But that is not all, I get to do things all at once, preparing breakfast, bathing, washing dishes, and stuff. Soon after that, you'll find me rushing to the lift and walking briskly to the college with a green apple in my hand, and well, that, is special.

That's still not all. I get to prepare lunch on weekends, and dinner also on weekdays. Pretty occupied, I see, but when I am occupied, that's me at my best. I'm being rational, I'm being logical, and I can put aside my emo bit for a second there. I also stick to my beloved daily routine: gym sessions. Too much to describe it here, but you know, every part of my life here is nothing but enjoyable. I know I will still bitch about it here, but I also know that things don't get better than this. Routine, friends, a fresh morning air, and my kind of fun. Packed in one.

As I get through my first weeks back here again, I was and maybe am still in pain, but I realise something. I realise, that those days when I rant about things, that I didn't want things to change, that I was in pain, that I didn't want to go back here again; I simply forgot about things that make me more than alive. I forgot that I was happy, I was happier here, in PJ. I was damn happy. Jakarta? Yeah it was good and all, but the pain part was not cool. I forgot that I could enjoy a simple morning to the fullest, I could have my gym sessions as my kind of fun, I don't have to worry about silly things, and the very fact that I could live. I was alive, back there in Jakarta, but here, I'm more than alive.

All I need to do is to remember things, all the good things that I once forgot, and my being here is nothing but best. Now, I'm doing fine. I'm better than when I was in Jakarta. I'm okay. Thanks for the days, Jakarta. I'm not missing you for now. I hope I won't.

I'm pretty much done.

It's time to live a good life. =D