4 minutes

So, hi.

I'm here, one month away from what will be my last presentation in this school. From there, there will be one month of holiday back in hometown, and soon after that, me packing, flying down under, to Melbourne.

It's been a long journey, these 3 years. Filled with ups and downs, some are written here, some left scars I kept for myself. However, I just realized what I learned from it. I don't tolerate imperfections, but I tolerate scars.

It's a pretty sick quote and attitude, even for myself, but I kinda grow into it. It's not pleasing when you twist and turn your glasses' nosepad position until it breaks because it doesn't suit you much, and finally finding comfort in repairing it and knowing it won't be perfect, but at least it tried to.

I guess, from these scars I learn that imperfection is not an excuse. Everyone is, in fact, imperfect. But the effort of trying to be one, and the scars I got from going thru the process, make the imperfection perfect. Scars mean pain, and pain implies weakness. Scars make you stronger, and scars are not at all parts of imperfections.

And in the end, here, there is one door in front of me. One last door. I can't seem to open it yet because it will possibly hurt me in a way I don't dare imagine. After all the barriers that I managed to push through, this one is the hardest. Because I don't know what might happen, and this uncertainty puts off my courage.

So, I haven't decided anything yet. I'll have to make peace with myself to open this door, because I finally have to tolerate my own imperfection.

And tell that to the world.

you

I don't want to feel this.

mainstream

I often heard this so-called opinion lately (which often occurs in facebook), that when someone says 'i don't want to be mainstream, i am anti-mainstream', then someone else would comment 'you know, anti-mainstream has become the new mainstream', and the first guy would then reply 'oh yeah you're right' and nod in agreement, and everybody seems pleased.

I've heard it one too many times that I've been wondering myself and I came to a conclusion that it is wrong. Why is it wrong? It is simply because there could only be one state of being mainstream--at a time. And when the mainstream becomes minor, the anti-mainstream becomes the new mainstream and the other way around. It is so fluid and balanced and the term is already logical and well-defined.

So, when you say you're anti-mainstream, you are anti mainstream no matter what, rejecting whatever comes as mainstream at that point of time, with no connection to past or future condition. So unless the shift of what is mainstream at any point of time to the other point of time is way too rapid to follow, there should be no problem of defining what is mainstream and what is anti-mainstream.

old

your smell lingers all across the room..
around the old town, old lame jokes, old loved sounds..
and the old fine hours that once were ours.

blasphemy

Over the last few weeks, I've been pushing myself harder than ever. I don't know whether it's finally enough to please my tutor, or even myself, but all I know I've been trying and pushing in every directions I can think of. But somehow, in the end, what matters is something else to me: there won't be the slightest of regret about this.

Have a nice day, everyone. :)

on that note

I miss Jakarta.

I miss how I could just roam around town and feel comfortable, even if I'm alone. I miss how I know I always come home to my family, at the end of the day.

I miss being alone without having to feel lonely.

don't you ever let me go

Didn't they always say we were the lucky ones..
I guess that we were once, babe, we were once,
but luck will leave you cursed, it is a faithless friend,
and in the end, when life has got you down,
you've got someone here that you can wrap your arms around..

There's a thousand ways for things to fall apart,
but it's no ones fault, no it's not my fault..
Maybe all the plans we made might not work out,
but I have no doubt, even though it's hard to see..
I've got faith in us, and I believe in you and me..

There's so many dreams that we have given up.
Take a look at all we've got,
and with this kind of love,
and what we've got here is enough.

So hold on to me tight..
Hold on, I promise it will be alright..
Cuz we are stronger here together,
than we could ever be alone..

Just hold on to me,
don't you ever let me go.

Michael Buble - Hold On



We are stronger here together..
Just hold on to me,
don't you ever let me go..

minor melody

Sometimes I appreciate the silence when things are silent. But could your mind be in a total silent, with no words said, no alphabets remembered, no pictures reminisced? I am noiseless and full of sound, in my head, usually on friday or saturday nights, when the town greets me with the neon love and lustful lights. I'd choose to be home, to talk to the wall, as i heard walls have ears, and I have fears.

The wall, the canvas bag from the travel fair, the lost deodorant bottle, the heartfucking song from the 90s that I used to listen lovingly, the scattered pieces of my life; they'd all get together and dance and make a little party, you can see them in my balcony claiming their victory, and yeah they would rip me into pieces, shed me some light and remind me that i am only with myself and my crazy head. That'd be when I'd call it a night.

Then I'd dream of dreaming about me walking in that old plaza, thrown back by the scent and the memories pasted on every door I see, they are giant-they are hating me, I'd choose to take a bus home instead, fancying the town naked and the rows, the lanes, the streetlights kissing me goodnight. Lovelight, where should I be? In this town or in your memory, in the morning or by the sea, or in the sight of the old you I once wished free?

My heart is slit by your thin-noiseless minor melody.

right there

I was waiting for you.