after all I've been through

I don't know why, I don't know why. It's been 3 weeks, it's been a very good life here, everything I would have hoped for. I know, there is no reason to complain, but you know, i thought this happened only on my first few days back here, but yeah, shit, it lingers on until now.

The pictures, the moments, the unpleasantly-longer-than-ever seconds, they are flashing unstoppably in my mind, day and night. The day, that day, the last day before I went back here. Are they real? It's not me, it's not me controlling, my mind just recalls those moments. I don't really see faces, tho, it is more like the overall pictures and a very specified feeling attached to it. A lot of times, a word triggers it. I heard a word, then my mind was already parked at the particular moment, while this rush, the emo is rushing in my blood.

I don't know what this is. I don't miss it, I don't, I hope I don't. Am I traumatized? Or is this an unresolved issue? Will I get over it someday? Can someday be today, tonight? What if it stays forever?

Those words, please stop banging my head with unpleasant details of the last day in Jakarta, with everything I love and hate at the same time, everyone I would kiss and I would kill, please detach yourself from those songs, those places, those afternoon I once loved, please, you'd make me hate them all, you'd make me someone I don't wanna be.

I want to be able to picture myself coming back to Jakarta, later this Nov, with a happy self, a fully contented self, welcoming the days ahead. I can't do this now. I can't do this now. I hope I can, at that day. I hope I have fully recovered from whatever I'm having now. I know I'll be fine, I know.

My logical self overpowers me, I'm fine, I should be fine, but I don't know if I am.



I can't tell.



are the details in the fabric,
are the things that make you panic,

are the things that make you blow,
hell, no reason, go on and scream,

If you're shocked it's just the fault
of faulty manufacturing..

everything will be fine,
everything, in no time at all..

Jason Mraz - Details in the Fabric