mainstream

I often heard this so-called opinion lately (which often occurs in facebook), that when someone says 'i don't want to be mainstream, i am anti-mainstream', then someone else would comment 'you know, anti-mainstream has become the new mainstream', and the first guy would then reply 'oh yeah you're right' and nod in agreement, and everybody seems pleased.

I've heard it one too many times that I've been wondering myself and I came to a conclusion that it is wrong. Why is it wrong? It is simply because there could only be one state of being mainstream--at a time. And when the mainstream becomes minor, the anti-mainstream becomes the new mainstream and the other way around. It is so fluid and balanced and the term is already logical and well-defined.

So, when you say you're anti-mainstream, you are anti mainstream no matter what, rejecting whatever comes as mainstream at that point of time, with no connection to past or future condition. So unless the shift of what is mainstream at any point of time to the other point of time is way too rapid to follow, there should be no problem of defining what is mainstream and what is anti-mainstream.

old

your smell lingers all across the room..
around the old town, old lame jokes, old loved sounds..
and the old fine hours that once were ours.

blasphemy

Over the last few weeks, I've been pushing myself harder than ever. I don't know whether it's finally enough to please my tutor, or even myself, but all I know I've been trying and pushing in every directions I can think of. But somehow, in the end, what matters is something else to me: there won't be the slightest of regret about this.

Have a nice day, everyone. :)

on that note

I miss Jakarta.

I miss how I could just roam around town and feel comfortable, even if I'm alone. I miss how I know I always come home to my family, at the end of the day.

I miss being alone without having to feel lonely.

don't you ever let me go

Didn't they always say we were the lucky ones..
I guess that we were once, babe, we were once,
but luck will leave you cursed, it is a faithless friend,
and in the end, when life has got you down,
you've got someone here that you can wrap your arms around..

There's a thousand ways for things to fall apart,
but it's no ones fault, no it's not my fault..
Maybe all the plans we made might not work out,
but I have no doubt, even though it's hard to see..
I've got faith in us, and I believe in you and me..

There's so many dreams that we have given up.
Take a look at all we've got,
and with this kind of love,
and what we've got here is enough.

So hold on to me tight..
Hold on, I promise it will be alright..
Cuz we are stronger here together,
than we could ever be alone..

Just hold on to me,
don't you ever let me go.

Michael Buble - Hold On



We are stronger here together..
Just hold on to me,
don't you ever let me go..

minor melody

Sometimes I appreciate the silence when things are silent. But could your mind be in a total silent, with no words said, no alphabets remembered, no pictures reminisced? I am noiseless and full of sound, in my head, usually on friday or saturday nights, when the town greets me with the neon love and lustful lights. I'd choose to be home, to talk to the wall, as i heard walls have ears, and I have fears.

The wall, the canvas bag from the travel fair, the lost deodorant bottle, the heartfucking song from the 90s that I used to listen lovingly, the scattered pieces of my life; they'd all get together and dance and make a little party, you can see them in my balcony claiming their victory, and yeah they would rip me into pieces, shed me some light and remind me that i am only with myself and my crazy head. That'd be when I'd call it a night.

Then I'd dream of dreaming about me walking in that old plaza, thrown back by the scent and the memories pasted on every door I see, they are giant-they are hating me, I'd choose to take a bus home instead, fancying the town naked and the rows, the lanes, the streetlights kissing me goodnight. Lovelight, where should I be? In this town or in your memory, in the morning or by the sea, or in the sight of the old you I once wished free?

My heart is slit by your thin-noiseless minor melody.

right there

I was waiting for you.

yeah fuck it

Let's fuck the fact that I can't let go. I'll try to be less pathetic from now. And when the time comes, you won't hear my name anymore.

foolish things

Things are good.

I work as an intern from 8.30-17.30 weekdays, in a very good, if not the best, architecture firm.

But as I'm listening to Buble's new tunes, I suddenly remember what makes my days: the trip from the firm to Sarinah, Thamrin afterwork, passing through my favorite street scene in Jakarta: the old shady trees, good earthy smell in the afternoon, and the line-up of good ol' colonial architecture buildings. A lovely ride. My favorite part of the day.

God surely knows that I'm thankful, terribly.

And how lovely it is to be able to share with family, all the good and the bad of life, all the beautiful and priceless moments, all, all at once.

And these foolish things remind me of you..

badai

Badai tak pernah hanya menyapa satu pantai.

blue

it's tonight

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed..
Turn down these voices inside my head..
Lay down with me, tell me no lies..
Just hold me close, don't patronize--don't patronize me..

Cause I cant make you love me--if you don't..
You cant make your heart feel something it wont..
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours..
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power..
But you wont, no you wont..
Cause I cant make you love me--if you don't..

I'll close my eyes, then I wont see..
The love you don't feel, when you're holding me..
Morning will come and I'll do whats right..
Just give me till then to give up this fight..

And I will give up this fight..

Bonnie Raitt - I Can't Make You Love Me
Performed by George Michael, Allison Iraheta.

drunk

What if.

What if one day I escape from all of these. All work, all responsibility, all mundane repetitive routine, all things that have endlessly trapped me and sucked the soul out of me until I'm all antisocial and prejudiced about the world.

What if one day I'm entitled to have the chance, one good chance to really look for things that I've been thinking of trying to look for all my life. Those things that we've kept in mind all years long, while we're running running and running endlessly catching things we don't even know or like.

What if one day we have the time in this world.

What if one day I actually can run away.



I'll be looking for you.

still

I seriously think that the words 'complication' and 'overcomplication' is not complicated enough--at all. I don't like using words that don't embody my message.

over

And now do you think i need to detach myself again? Cuz the last time I did not do it, which is last year, I ended up drowning in myself. Or is it a different case?

Let's blame it on the overcomplicatification going on in my head.
(Does that word exist? I can't use overcomplication tho--that word is too simple for this situation.)

Ah. See I'm overcomplicating (or complicatifying) right now.

rolling

I know that the moment I choose to not detach myself from a relation, I will get attached. It's just that I didn't think it was gonna be this soon. Or this bad.

I win

Finally. The official new logo of The Parish of St. Thomas More.
(The picture of the winning logo has been removed due to the copyright transfer earlier today.)

I can't say it enough. Thanks God, mom, dad, kutit, cipris, muw, kev, pras, novi, and everyone who supports me during the making. And now. I feel blessed. Very much.

Thanks. :')

I want

What do I want?

I want to be able to write things down here without thinking of the over-complication regarding names and stories, proper and improper audience.

For a start,

I want to be asked what I want.

I want to talk without having to think of what to talk about.

I want to listen without having to respond.



Either that, or a brute presence of a person here.



I want a conversation.

I want a small talk over lunch.

I want to be there.

hari untuk amanda

When I came across the trailer of this movie, it only took me a second to fall in love with it.

The contemporary Jakarta setting throughout the movie with its dim romantic street lights, busway, afternoon scenes, evening scenes, and Sudirman - Thamrin street is tied up with a love story about past and present love.

I recall some moments. In a car, passing the streets in the afteroon or early evening. In Busway. Singing along to the tunes. Less talking. More gazing and feeling what it was like. Suddenly I remember McD.

I was lost in enjoying the romance of Jakarta, cast by the overpowering structures, sweet-but-uneasy rides, heartbreaking goodbyes, and an overly bitter aftertaste of it all.

There's a bit of hatred to it.

I hate that I can't get over you,

jakarta.

Tak kan pernah bisa..
Bersama..

Good Friday

Ever since I was a lil kid, we always go to Good Friday mass at noon, and always, my mom tells me this: it's gonna rain during the mass, as usual, definitely.

Years have passed, and this is the second Good Friday without me going to mass with my family, but the words stick right at my heart, as I recall now how I told Marco what my mom always says to me about the rain, and I said, let's see if it rains, this afternoon.

And right at this moment, as the rest of family is attending the Good Friday mass back in Jakarta and as I listen to Danny Gokey's rendition of Stand By Me, the rain is pouring out there. Just nice, just right. My mom is right. It's raining.

I want you to stand by me, God. Stand by me.

I feel blessed. I thank God.

I'LL DO BETTER. I PROMISE.

turn your lights down low

I was just being reminded of why I've been feeling a bit disoriented over the last couple of days: I just miss too many things.

I feel a bit out of place. I'm sick of instant messaging. I'm sick of having to realize that the people I love the most are not within the reachable distance.

And yes, I curse all the miles that separate me and the people I want to talk to. People I want to see.

The saddest part is when I realize that nevertheless I have to be thankful to God. I know I am. But I'm just sad.

:(

I miss Jakarta. Terribly.

The smell of this cold wind with a slight earthy scent after a rain.

A smell of Jakarta.

A smell that I miss.

all in good time!

You see, it's so hard to find the proper words to utter this.

3 weeks ago, when I was in Jakarta for a short holiday, I said to myself that I want to do my internship in Jakarta. Everything is gonna be much simpler. I can enjoy my holiday, meet my friends, and also the trip to Hongkong will not be bothered much.

I was then busy doing the portfolio for days, composing my resume, and putting it together in a very short period. I was to fly back on the next Sunday, and it could only, only work if everything was according to my plan. I printed everything on Thursday, which left me one single day only to send the package of resumes out to the firm's addresses.

On the day, I sent it out to Aboday Architects in Kemang, Airlangga Architeam in Tebet, and Airmas Asri in Cikini. Isn't it wonderful to know that every one of the firm uses the letter A in the names?

The list came not from nowhere. I did a lot of researches to find out the interesting architecture companies/firms in Jakarta, that stand out and have their projects featured in fancy magazines and web pages. I went to bookstores just to browse and read through the architectural magazines that have featured buildings from Indonesia.

Only after I sent out the resumes to them, I found out that although Airlangga and Airmas are responsible for a lot of big and new projects, Airmas Asri topped the chart as the best Indonesian architecture firm in 2008, I read it in one of the pages I can't recall now.

To cut the story short, I was then waiting for their replies. I haven't heard from them since, and when I let my friends see my resumes, they don't see how the companies are gonna accept me, as my resumes are designed by breaking the rules and all. I do know that, and I'm totally aware of that, so I said to them: I only want to work in a firm where they appreciate my resume.

And you know what.

I got the e-mail this morning. I got in. Airmas Asri.

I can't tell you how happy I am. I am terribly happy. One thing is confirmed: I don't need to worry about this anymore.

I'm gonna do my internship in PT Airmas Asri, Jakarta, for 8 weeks, starting late of May. That means I'm gonna work in Cikini. That means I'm gonna be close to Thamrin, everyday. The town. Jakarta. I will be working at the heart of it.

I thank God. A thousand times.

Mom. For praying for me everyday.

Dad. For giving me this wonderful talent.

Kutit. For being my eternal laughter.

Ci Pris. For making me grow up even more.

Muw. For always being there for me.

And everyone.

I'm very nervous now, I know I'm gonna survive this, but I need you all to help me along the way.





You know what's funny. The first ever rain since 3-4 weeks ago just poured this afternoon. I feel congratulated.

I'm happy.

weekend

This week feels so fast.

It's weekend already. Putting aside the fact that I still have 1. studio work 2. student society work 3. photography club work 4. portfolio work (DAMN THIS IS LONG), I'm still going to have fun tomorrow. Gym sessions, movies, one good valentine's day dinner, meditation sessions, and did I say 'fun'?

Yeah. And precisely next week, it's the Cameron Highlands site surveying/visit trip. 3D2N. It's still studio work and yeah I'm gonna start working my ass off for that one, but hey, it's still a holiday. Close enough.

Have I said too many 'yeah's?

Oh yeah.

Have a nice weekend, you.

ha!

The concept of minimalism is to relax. Like a Zen monk in training, it is something that brings equilibrium to the heart.
- Takashi Murakami

Great art is about heightening our experiences. To me, the minimalist aesthetic is the most humanist of all, one that elicits the full power of all our senses.
- Richard Meier

The comforting words come from 2 great architects/artists.
I'm going on with my design.

Lemme introduce to you..

World, Jakarta. Jakarta, World.

Image courtesy of Wikipedia.

this is the answer, let's make it big

And no, I'm not facing some 'pergumulan jiwa' that I get lost in whatever I'm in and that I need help. I'm very fine (except economically), very happy, and not lonely at all.

shame on you!

Let's talk about shame.

I just realised something. When you're a very small kid, when you take your bath or after taking a bath, your mom often tells you to wrap yourself in a towel, or to close the door. You feel nothing, but your mom's panicking and starts saying: 'Shameful, you! It's a shame to be naked like that. Shameful!'

The word 'shame' repeats in a daily basis, until you agree and say 'yeah, it's a shame to do this: i'll cover myself with a towel.'

So, you see, this culture has always been and is being inherited, being passed down to their kids, us, and later, our kids. This 'shame' culture is not only applicable in 'bathing' and 'naked' context, but everything that makes your or my or our people go 'shame on you', over a non-standard act that we do.

To me, this is frustrating.

I don't think this is what we should be proud of. Being set by a standard that is passed down generation by generation, I don't agree when we must be told (or sub-consciously taught) to FEEL in a particular way. To FEEL something we are SUPPOSED to feel, when we actually DON'T feel it.

Ah, you're a puppet on a string, aren't you?

Even more sadly, in the end, we actually feel like feeling it, giving in to whatever standards that are being thrown at us. Feel like that, do like that, move like that, love like that, walk like that, run like that, LIVE LIKE THAT.

Given that we are naturally-unique creative-born individuals that learn to live and survive by experiences, I must say this culture is totally idiotic.

Counting that I've lived most of my lifetime with the standards of everything people are told and have been telling me, I could only say my unique and creative self has been partly paralyzed.

And that's so sad, because when I realize this, I know that there are people out there that can't get what I'm saying and they will live the rest of their lives dictated by standards people make for them, without even realizing it. So sad.

At least, I share this to you, so you have something to think about.



Have a nice eve!

why

You know why I did decide to go out today?

It's like the reason of why people go clubbing. In a totally different, wayyy less pricey, wayyy more positive, and wayyyy more healthy way. When people go clubbing in order to have fun with the loud music, cigarettes, and alcohol (which in the outside to me personally it does nothing to them except the so-called 'fun' part, and that's pretty much all), I go out to have fresh air.

I need that, I need to see new things, I need to be in a creative environment, I need to see beautiful things, I need to be all alone, I need to be comfortable, I need to really like what I see. For what purposes? Creative purposes. It helps me think, digest, and re-discover what I often miss when I'm being faced to a routine.

The good thing of it is that it works for me, all the time.
And that's one of the very few things that keeps me sane.






Let's re-question me.

So why, again, did I decide to go out today?

I tried to find something that went missing during the design process of Studio work this week. Which is very important, cuz we really need to confirm with everything or not at all. Either I get what I'm looking for, or I rethink the whole design all over again.

And you know what?

I've found it.

shyt

I don't get it.

I canceled watching movie and going to starbucks today (something I haven't done since I came back here again, and something I don't regularly do--except occasional once-a-week movie time), and I ended up in a food court with a cup of Nescafe over ice. I didn't end up buying a beautiful pair of Reebok shorts that's on 40% discount to a very affordable 40rm price. I didn't have my haircut in one of the expensive place, I always do it in X-cut, a place where they charge only 15rm per head.

I bought lunch, dinner, 3rm-nescafe, a packet of veggies for another dinner, 10rm DIGI top-up (which was just finished after my last call), and 15rm haircut.

AND YET.

I FEEL BAD.

This is so sick, man.

I don't over spend. I didn't buy a fancy pair of full-priced or even discounted-priced Reebok gym shorts that I need. I didn't buy fancy dinner and lunch. I didn't watch a movie.

And I still feel like the poorest man in the world. The ironic part is that, yes, maybe I am.

It's NOT that i'm not thankful. I'm very thankful. But shouldn't I be able to afford those simple things? Am I like asking for a glorious allowance to be overspent in daily basis?

No. I don't think so.

Something is wrong.

Shit.

I just don't get it.

monumental

To me, something is often seen 'very good' not when it's good as a whole, but when it has a memorably surprising moment in it. Something that I didn't particularly expect before enjoying it, something that is alienly interesting and funny or good.

In the movie 'Love Actually', what keeps me watching it over and over again until now is the scene of Hugh Grant doing speech after the visit of US President, that scene is brilliant, and this one scene:

+ "Shit, I can't believe I've just said that. And now I've gone and said "shit" - twice. I'm so sorry, sir."
- "It's fine, it's fine. You could've said "fuck," and then we'd have been in real trouble."
+ "Thank you, sir. I did have an awful premonition that I was gonna fuck up on the first day. Oh, piss it!"

In the movie 'Les Choristes', what keeps me watching it over and over again is the scene which starts with 'April, These kids inspire me' and the scene when Baldy got fired, and numerous paper aeroplane were flown from the window. Extremely touching.

In the Thai movie 'Hormones', which I've been watching for like 100 times since I had it in my computer, I can say there are almost 5 scenes that I fall in love with. But this one, I have to say, is the most memorable..


OH SHIT. I can't make up my mind. Here's another two monumentally memorable scenes from that movie.







Have a nice day!

pulang

Beberapa langkah kaki cepat mengikuti suara besi gembok dari pintu pagar tua yang beradu, dan sampai pada satu waktu ketika serangkaian penantian itu melepas, maka ia pun berlepas, berlari masuk ke dalam rumah tua yang entah berapa tahun tak pernah sekali pun ia kembali.

Deru seperti seribu langkah beradu dengan ubin dingin, menghambur keluar seperti penantian yang selalu ditunggu-tunggu, seperti udara Januari yang seketika menjadi hangat; mereka berpelukan dalam gelap karena mereka tahu tak ada lagi yang tak terayakan kali ini, ia kembali.

Satu-satu dari mereka menyampaikan salam ke surga, menghantar ribuan kalimat terima kasih, ke tiap tiap dari tuhan mereka, ribuan kali mengucap dan menengadah dengan haru yang jatuh tulus, selagi pipi-pipi itu tertawa dan tersenyum dan berpelukan dan bernyanyi dalam diam.

Tidak hanya satu rumah, tapi juga berjuta rumah lain di tiap petak belahan bumi, di mana jiwa-jiwa yang rindu telah kembali ke rumah; pulang, ke halaman diri.

Rumah itu hanya di gang kecil, dan di luar terasap entah dingin atau rokok yang terhisap, jalanan becek, hawa berangin malam dingin habis hujan, gelap hanya temaram lampu jalan yang menerangi waktu; ketika aku berjalan melewati rumah itu, aku tahu.

Aku lalu memanggil bulan untuk menyibak tingkap gelap, aku memanggilnya untuk merayakan;

Pulang.

Indonesia

Lagi ngomongin Pemilu dengan satu teman baik, lalu keluar pertanyaan ini:
Saya memimpikan Indonesia yang seperti apa?

Indonesia yang belajar.

Indonesia yang mulai menyimpan kekayaan budayanya untuk di-preserve, dilestarikan, dan dipelajari tapi bukan untuk dipertahankan selama-lamanya: Indonesia harus belajar untuk mengaplikasikan budaya ke dalam konteks yang baru, konteks kini, konteks yang kontemporer.

Indonesia yang harus mulai berjalan lebih cepat, berjalan lebih cepat tidak harus dalam revolusi, tapi satu langkah satu saat, dalam evolusi: Indonesia harus belajar untuk menempatkan diri di dunia yang ga berputar selambat Putri Solo yang lagi jalan.

Indonesia yang harus mulai berani menghadapi satu kenyataan bahwa masyarakat yang kaya itu masyarakat yang punya 1001 nilai, maka yang baru tidak pernah salah, yang benar itu tidak hanya 1, dan tidak ada yang lebih istimewa di antaranya: Indonesia harus berani menjunjung tinggi kebhinneka-an dalam arti yang sedalam-dalamnya.

Saya optimis. Tapi saya perlu 1 juta orang lain yang juga optimis, supaya kita bisa mulai belajar satu hal: berubah bersama-sama.



Selamat Hari Hujan, Jakarta.
=]

see you soon

I don't know if I'm nervous or anything. I think I am. I'm going home in 10 hours, and I should should be happy and all. Jakarta is everything I want. I miss it that much until I don't wanna think about it. But now it's a tingling feeling all over my body that I feel, some kind of fear, nervousness, anxiety, helpless, over the fact that I'm gonna be home.

I know I'm gonna be okay. But I can't help replaying the moment I had to leave Jakarta earlier this month. It was so hard. I was so sad.

And the weird thing is that I've done this so many times. I almost complete my second year in PJ, so I've been back a lot of times. But I have to get thru this again and again and again. Confused and nervous.

I should be okay.

I'll be okay.

It's only for a little while.

And there are so many thing awaits.



See you in Jakarta.

=]

lemons

Life just threw me lemons. I tried to catch it and make lemonade, I can, but I'm still disappointed and sad.

Anw, life's been a bit busy. College. Student society. Some things that I have to do and finish in 1 week time: dad's book, portfolio, contacting architecture firms about internship. One more priority I just added to the list: make money.

I hope from now onwards, I'll be more careful.

Arh.

But I'm going back tomorrow, back to Jakarta to celebrate CNY. So there you go, it's what's been keeping me sane for now. Food, friends, fun, family. What more can you expect?

You can check my newest design in http://sabdtaylors.blogspot.com.



Nice day, all.

segera dekatku

segera dekatku, sayang
hati ini sungguh mau, entah hatimu
untuk lebih dekat denganmu
sedekat selubung kelabu awan dengan tetes hujan
sedekat dua burung gereja yang sedang bermesraan

segera dekatku, sayang
seraya menghitung mundur hari-hari kita di bumi
dan aku tak mau kehilangan sedetik pun tanpa dekat denganmu
bolehkah cinta ini dibawa berdua sampai ke alam sana?
ke mana saja, asal berdua
dan tangan ini tak akan membiarkanmu kedinginan
tetap memelukmu, hanya kehangatan
yang diri ini bisa beri
selain cinta sampai mati

segera dekatku, sayang
aku tak mau awan sore menjemputmu pulang
dan meninggalkanku di gelap malam, sendirian
hati ini pun tak di sini, hilang kau curi
hingga resah tak terkira, menunggu datangnya pagi
untuk kembali dekat denganmu

segera dekatku, sayang
aku ingin membisikkan
beberapa patah kata cinta luapan hati
yang tak terbendung lagi
supaya kau bisa mengerti
bahwa aku cinta mati

2009

Happy New Year.

2008 was not a blast. It was more of a learning process, and so it doesn't start and end with some giant fireworks. That's why, if you notice, the notes in my blog are much lesser than the year before. This year, it was filled with events and happenings and stories that even if they could be devastating to me, they could not bring me down.

Once, twice, I slipped. But I think in 2008, I survived. A little bit bumpy, but that long journey I have just passed was a good journey. I learned, all along.

I learned to defeat my biggest phobia, successfully. I learned to love. I learned to change my lifestyle. I learned to accept failure. I learned to work hard and smart. I learned to live better. I learned to be positive. I learned to be thankful, not naggy and whiny. I learned to let go.

And so, I hope 2009 is a good year. I hope you and I will be happy along the year.
That's all I ask. =]



Have a nice eve, everyone.